Things you might have overheard ...

I don’t know how I ended up on the floor, with my back nearly out shouting, “Shut up already! I can’t spin it any tighter!” While Rob says, “Don’t say shut up! Especially in the front of the girls!” And then I say, “I’m sorry I said shut up! Girls, I’m sorry to Daddy, it’s not nice to say shut up!” And then Rob says, “But seriously, it needs to be tighter.” And I say, “OH-MY-GOD-I-CAN’T-SPIN-IT-ANY-TIGHTER-SHUT-UP!”

But there I was.

I think hell is probably you and your spouse, stuck in a room, bent over in an unnatural position, tediously spinning a screw with an Allen wrench that falls out of your hands every 2 spins … for the rest of eternity. If that’s not it, I know I’m close.

A lot of marriages are feeling the burn during these unprecedented times, so I wouldn’t recommend assembling cheap furniture with people you are legally bound to. As if there wasn’t enough stress in our lives, Rob and I decided to buy new beds for the girls – and then assemble them. Here’s what you might have overheard from our home …

Me: This is the wrong screw.

Rob: No it’s not.

Me: Yes it is, it doesn’t fit.

Rob: Anna, once upon a time I used to build jet engines, okay? It’s the right screw. Oh, sorry, that’s the wrong screw.

***

Rob: Hold it up. Are you holding it up? Hold it up. Are you holding it up?

Me: OH-MY-GOD-I’M-HOLDING-IT-UP!!!

***

Me: Where’s the Allen wrench? Did you take the Allen wrench?

Rob: No, I’m using my Allen wrench.

Me: Then were’s mine?

Rob: I have no idea.

Me: No, seriously – that’s mine. I left it by the coffee table. You have my Allen wrench.

Rob: I don’t have your freaking Allen wrench!

Me: Oh sorry, I’m sitting on it.

***

Rob: Why isn’t this fitting?

Me: Don’t ask me, I don’t put together jet engines.

Rob: No! Nooooo! We put this whole section together backwards!

Me: MOTHER BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEP!

***

Me: What?

Rob: Oh nothing, just holding this bar up in the air waiting for you to stop texting.

***

Me: We’re missing a piece, we’re definitely missing a piece. It’s not in the box. I’ve looked everywhere.

Rob: Hi, this is Rob Thomas. We just ordered a bed from you and we’re missing one of the pieces. We’re in the middle of putting this together and I just have to say that this is unaccept …

Me: Oh sorry, here it is.

***

Me: FOR THE LAST TIME, WATCH MY EYE!

***

Rob: Why are there so many washers left over. Did you not use any washers?

Me: You didn’t tell me I had to use washers!

Rob: You need to redo all those screws and use the washers.

Me: You need to go to hell.

***

Me: Ok, wait. Ouch, my back. I need to move my leg. Ouch my back, my back, my back.

Rob: What’s wrong, is it your back?

***