But there I was.
I think hell is probably you and your spouse, stuck in a room, bent over in an unnatural position, tediously spinning a screw with an Allen wrench that falls out of your hands every 2 spins … for the rest of eternity. If that’s not it, I know I’m close.
A lot of marriages are feeling the burn during these unprecedented times, so I wouldn’t recommend assembling cheap furniture with people you are legally bound to. As if there wasn’t enough stress in our lives, Rob and I decided to buy new beds for the girls – and then assemble them. Here’s what you might have overheard from our home …
Me: This is the wrong screw.
Rob: No it’s not.
Me: Yes it is, it doesn’t fit.
Rob: Anna, once upon a time I used to build jet engines, okay? It’s the right screw. Oh, sorry, that’s the wrong screw.
Rob: Hold it up. Are you holding it up? Hold it up. Are you holding it up?
Me: Where’s the Allen wrench? Did you take the Allen wrench?
Rob: No, I’m using my Allen wrench.
Me: Then were’s mine?
Rob: I have no idea.
Me: No, seriously – that’s mine. I left it by the coffee table. You have my Allen wrench.
Rob: I don’t have your freaking Allen wrench!
Me: Oh sorry, I’m sitting on it.
Rob: Why isn’t this fitting?
Me: Don’t ask me, I don’t put together jet engines.
Rob: No! Nooooo! We put this whole section together backwards!
Me: MOTHER BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEEEEP!
Rob: Oh nothing, just holding this bar up in the air waiting for you to stop texting.
Me: We’re missing a piece, we’re definitely missing a piece. It’s not in the box. I’ve looked everywhere.
Rob: Hi, this is Rob Thomas. We just ordered a bed from you and we’re missing one of the pieces. We’re in the middle of putting this together and I just have to say that this is unaccept …
Me: Oh sorry, here it is.
Me: FOR THE LAST TIME, WATCH MY EYE!
Rob: Why are there so many washers left over. Did you not use any washers?
Me: You didn’t tell me I had to use washers!
Rob: You need to redo all those screws and use the washers.
Me: You need to go to hell.
Me: Ok, wait. Ouch, my back. I need to move my leg. Ouch my back, my back, my back.
Rob: What’s wrong, is it your back?
Me: Seems wobbly to me, does this seem wobbly to you?
Rob: No, it doesn’t seem wobbly to me. That’s normal, it’s supposed to wobble like that. It’s not wobbly.
Me: Look, it’s wobbling right now.
Me & Rob: MOTHER BLEEP BLEEP BLEEEEP!