I’ve hesitated to write about this for a long time. Not because I didn’t want to – in fact I’ve really wanted to. I suppose I just didn’t know how to go about it or when would be a good time. When bad things happen, as a humor writer, it can be hard to navigate when or how to address the painful times in life.
Last year, HaHas for HooHas received 2nd place from Red Tricycle for the funniest parenting website (Honest Toddler won first, because – duh). It was a crazy honor and I’m still stoked about the nomination.
While it was important for me that the site was simply a funny website for women covering everything from marriage to PMS, parenting can be the most fun topic for us to talk about, simply because so many of our fans can relate and respond mightily to a good self-depricating parenting joke.
That’s why a lot of people have been surprised to find out I’m not a mom.
I’ve never talked about why I’m not a mom yet, but I feel good sharing now.
The answer in short – miscarriages.
Four years ago, Rob and I became pregnant. Since it was our first pregnancy, we were on top of the world. We were naive that sometimes things can go wrong and assumed we would have a newborn in our arms in 9 months time.
At about 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom at the grocery store. I gasped when I sat down. Blood. Lots of it. I went home and miscarried during the night, one week before my first doctor’s appointment.
Of course, we were devastated, but we also felt encouraged. My closest friends and family came forward to talk about their miscarriages. There was the one that came before the twins, or right before their oldest son was born. My doctor assured me in a very loving way, that miscarriages are simply our body’s way to reset when things aren’t developing properly. Typically chromosomal, sometimes the head isn’t developing or the stomach. In some situations, this can be a blessing.
After I took some time to mourn the loss, I decided I didn’t want to try again right away. I had just left California along with a very fulfilling job and had just received my Master’s degree. We were settling into our new home and I thought perhaps instead of rushing into starting a family, I needed to pay attention to this constant nagging feeling that tapped me on the shoulder rhythmically throughout the day.
The tapping intentionally annoyed me to seek out my purpose.
I was having a bran muffin at a bakery below our apartment when I was struck with a crazy idea. A silly thought particularly for someone who was on the road to being an academic in higher education. I thought maybe, just maybe, I should just go for what I’ve always wanted to do, but never took seriously. Humor writing. Maybe I could just go for it. What was there to lose?
One month after my miscarriage, I created my first HaHas for HooHas eCard.
No surprise I went with a maxi pad with a top hat, AMIRITE?
I just started creating, dreaming, laughing and having fun. I’m confident starting HooHas would never have occurred to me had I not miscarried. That doesn’t mean I’m thankful for the loss, it simply means I’m thankful how life continued to move with purpose despite it.
Our intent was to get pregnant again, but to give me a cushion to start my writing and begin something that might – just might – get some traction.
Well, if traction can be defined as Miley Cyrus riding into my life straddling a wrecking ball, then that’s pretty much what happened. Except less Miley and more period jokes. It took about a year for me to feel at a place where I could balance a pregnancy and this new beast I created with my best friend from college.
Once we felt ready, I became pregnant again. At my 8 week appointment (a new milestone I hadn’t reached before) I expressed some fear because I had been lightly spotting. My doctor did an exam and discovered the bleeding was coming from something unrelated and had nothing to do with the pregnancy.
“You’re totally fine!” she assured me. “Now, let’s go take a peek at that baby!”
We entered the ultrasound room and as I anxiously waited to see something, anything on the screen, the tech found absolutely nothing. My doctor looked confused and instructed the tech to keep digging, searching, bending – moving. There was nothing.
“Well, we’re either off on your dates, which is totally possible,” she tried to assure me, “or this could be an ectopic pregnancy.”
I’ll cut to the chase – it was ectopic.
I can tell you from experience, when you fall into the 2% percentile of something, statistics become meaningless to you. If someone says there’s a 1 in 1,000,000 chance you’ll die from a tree randomly falling on your head, you start to get real skittish around some pines.
Typically with an ectopic pregnacy you must go through a D&C and a brutal chemo shot (although, nothing compared to what cancer patients endure) to stop the cells from growing outside of your uterus. Obviously, it was all devastating and felt completely unreal.
Like many women, the minute I see a positive pregnancy test, I begin dreaming. I chart the due dates and share the news with my closest friends and family. Sometimes the feeling of loss is more complicated than the loss of the pregnancy. It’s also the loss of a dream. The loss of hope for what had been created and now is gone.
But, there was a part of me thankful to be alive. As I mourned the loss of another dream for our baby, I was also incredibly thankful that I wasn’t back in the prairie days milking old Bessie like it’s just another day on the farm, only to die instantly from an ectopic pregnancy I had no idea was growing in my body.
I was sad, yet thankful for modern technology and early intervention. I truly believed that one day, when I held my biological or adopted child in my arms, I could reap a sense of meaning from it all.
After the ectopic pregnancy, I needed time to heal mentally and physically. The stress of HooHas was building and we were gaining momentum, with conferences and video opportunities rising. It took about 7 months for us to fully try again.
Once I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was a little more realistic (which could have been easily mistaken for pessimism), but had a hopeful “third time’s a charm” feeling about things. Now that I had an ectopic, my chances of having another went up from 2% to 20%, so as I was instructed to do after finding out I was pregnant again, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor right away to confirm it wasn’t another ectopic.
At around 6 weeks they took a peek. They were able to see healthy gestational and yolk sacs. I was elated. Everything seemed right on course, except for the fact it appeared I was closer to 5 weeks.
“Not a big deal,” my doctor assured me. “We can never be sure when you actually ovulated, so it’s quite common to have your days off like this.” My doctor gave me a big congratulatory hug and I left hopeful, but I had a nervous feeling. I knew exactly when I ovulated. My dates weren’t off. Deep down, I had a sense it was all doomed, but I wanted the hope that this time the pregnancy would make it, so I buried the sense of knowing.
At the 8 week appointment, I was a bag of nerves. In the waiting room a woman asked if I was pregnant wearing a huge grin and I wanted to just say, “Nope, just another pap with my hubby!” But I told her I was and she congratulated us, asking us loads of questions and even giving us advice. I would have felt much happier talking to her if I didn’t have a cloud over my head like the Zoloft ball, but of course I just stayed polite and let her have happiness for us.
Our name was called from the ultrasound tech and it didn’t take long to discover what I already knew. The sac was starting to break apart and it was evident I was going to miscarry again. It was the first time Rob really showed public emotion. He was combative and argumentative to the tech and then to the doctor that had stepped in, as ours had left earlier in the day for a family emergency. I was quiet and resigned. I had already known. I calmed him down, just by gently touching his arm and we left without too many words between us on the ride home.
Mourning is a tricky thing. Sometimes we don’t feel entitled to it when there is so much suffering in the world. I felt a sense of gratitude that if I had to lose my pregnancies, at least I lost them early. I know women who have experienced more miscarriages than three in a row, miscarriages far later in pregnancy, even stillborns and giving birth to babies that don’t make it past their first birthday. I didn’t feel worthy of mourning too heavily in some ways and completely entitled to unfriending my church friend who posted their pregnancy announcement via cute ultrasound picture on Facebook the minute I got home from the doctor. (I didn’t, but I really, really wanted to.)
The truth is, all of our traumas and tragedies matter just as they are, independently of others. I rode out my despair exactly as I needed to.
Despite everything, being the main writer of a humor site while all three of the miscarriages happened might have been the hardest thing I’ve had to navigate. There were moments where I was almost bitter from the pressure to be “funny” during such a horrific time.
And of course, that is ridiculous. I was bitter about feeling like I had to be funny – a requirement and pressure I put on myself. I didn’t have to be funny at all. I could do whatever I wanted. I could curl up in a ball and watch Property Brother reruns with a gallon of mint chip ice cream if I freaking wanted to. This is my life, people!
It’s completely up to me whether I can or want to show up to create today or not. In fact, I probably could have taken a week off posting on HooHas and only a handful of people would have even noticed. But, oddly enough, I needed it as much as I resented it. Some of my most popular work was written shortly after the miscarriages.
Humor, in the oddest places it can be hidden, embraced me. Humor doesn’t make light of loss, but for me, it makes me feel human and hopeful. It reminds me that I will survive it. I will continue to feel joy.
I remember when a friend of mine was going through a divorce. A Kenyan nun who worked in the office with us stopped by her desk and said, “Tonight, the sun will fall. But tomorrow? Tomorrow it will rise again,” and she walked away quietly. My friend smiled politely, but I sat there quivery lipped with a solitary tear. What she said was a cliched phrase I heard a million times, but this time it meant something profound to me.
It’s always tempting to become bitter and think, “Why me?”
But really, why not me?
The miscarriages are a part of my life. They are a part of my story whether I like it or not. I have tremendous faith that not a single one was in vain. They happened, so why not create something positive? Can I encourage someone? Can I love them? Can I hold a hand? Can my losses make someone else not feel so alone? Then my purpose moves even during the impossible moments when I don’t think I can.
I’m drawn to the idea that with faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains.
Mustard seeds are awfully tiny.
What’s your mountain? It can all feel so insurmountable. We can all feel so unprepared. We can feel dejected, beaten down, victimized and find ourselves in the 2% of the unlikeliest of tragedies.
And yet, our purpose moves through it. Our purpose moves despite of it. And if we’re paying attention, we can look back and weep from the gratitude that we’re still standing. Still laughing. We aren’t defeated. No, our faith picked us up and we moved to places we couldn’t dream were possible until now.
And sometimes, miracles happen. Stay tuned for a post up on HooHas, tomorrow.
Update: For tomorrow’s post, go here.
If you’ve suffered from miscarriages and looking for resources, I’ve heard great things about Unspoken Grief. For infertility, visit Still Standing.
Christine
June 25, 2014 3:29 pmI am so sorry! I myself had one miscarriage before I had my son. Nobody knows but my husband. I will pray for you and can’t wait for your follow up story! <#
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 3:32 pmThank you! It’s a good one 😉
Amanda S.
June 25, 2014 3:46 pmI would definitely notice if you didn’t post! You give me my daily laughs! I am so sorry you have gone through all this, and can only say I hope whatever happens turns out the way you want it to.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 4:14 pmMe too, sister. Thank you for hanging out with me every day!
Audrey
June 25, 2014 3:49 pmAmazing, Anna. Your honesty is beautiful and your courage is inspiring. Thank you.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 4:13 pmThanks for reading Audrey. I love seeing your big yellow glasses pop up in the comments!
Tammy
June 25, 2014 3:53 pmI don’t have some great profound thing to say so I will just say that your are definitely an amazing woman.
Deb Westland-Lee
June 25, 2014 3:55 pmAwe…your such a tremendous love, hope and promise for all things possible! 🙂
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 4:13 pmOh, make me grin why don’t you! 🙂
Andi
June 25, 2014 4:06 pmThank you so much for sharing your story. It’s like there’s this silent shame sometimes when women miscarry, that I’m surprised whenever I’m reminded just how common it is. I hope more women are inspired to talk about it and not feel like they need to remain stay silent. *hugs*
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 4:12 pmBeautifully said Andi.
Lindsey Rowe
June 25, 2014 4:07 pmI too had a miscarriage, after three visits to the fertility doctor. Having 3 negative pregnancy tests and then finally getting a positive, it is so crushing to have that ultrasound and not see a heart beat. I think it is part of the healing process to be able to write about it, and get it out there.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 4:12 pmIt’s so true. I felt really good about writing this post and I’ve wanted to for a long time. I remember going through one and reading one of my favorite humor writers as she talked about hers. It helped. So you can only hope you can do that for others, you know?
Erica Posey
June 25, 2014 4:52 pmI am currently pregnant with my first baby after 12 years of trying. I never had to suffer a miscarriage, and so far all is well with my pregnancy. However, this story had me crying almost right from the beginning. I have been terrified to lose this baby. I don’t think I could get past it emotionally after all the years of trying. It’s amazing to me how you have moved forward and used your own tragedies to encourage others.
Melissa
June 25, 2014 5:46 pmMiscarried after my first son. Struggled to get pregnant after my daughter….. Conceived twins after two years if trying, only to lose one at 10 weeks. Upside. They say practice makes perfect….. It’s the practice I prefer regardless of the outcome. Good luck.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 7:10 pmI like your perspective. I like it a whole lot. 😉
Michelle Ann Anusewicz
June 25, 2014 5:48 pmI absolutely love your stories! You are so honest and real, yet uplifting and inspiring. Not to mention hilarious! I am so sorry for what you have been through with your miscarriages. I couldn’t have children due to my stage 3 kidney failure. Having a hysterectomy was probably the hardest decision I ever made. I knew I could conceive, but it would have been very dangerous for the baby and me. I’m okay with it now. It just wasn’t meant to be and I have accepted that. I can’t wait to read more of your writing. I think you are an amazing women.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 7:09 pmYour strength inspires me Michelle. You purpose moves through it!
Susan
June 25, 2014 7:05 pmPlease consider acupuncture – after cancer, it is what helped me have 2 healthy babies.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 7:07 pmI have heard this Susan! Although I haven’t tried it yet, I intend to. Wonderful advice!
Shelley
June 25, 2014 7:08 pmBeautifully written. Thanks you for sharing with us. I had a miscarriage before I had my daughter, and I still remember that baby’s due date each fall.
Siobhan
June 25, 2014 7:14 pmSo sorry to hear of your heartache 🙁 I can’t wait to read tomorrow’s post! <3
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 7:21 pm😀
Sarah
June 25, 2014 7:19 pmI am sorry for
Sarah
June 25, 2014 7:41 pmI am sorry for your many losses! It is not easy, and the more there are the more difficult it can get. We delivered our son at 5 months gestation with no reason to why. 5 yes later we had a daughter and I was a afraid of every discomfort. I was also afraid of every nonmovement. Then we had anot her pregnancy. This time two sacks. But one baby did not fully developed. My body absorbed the second, our second daughter still hasn’t stopped crying. I tease my hubs that she ate her sibling and one day we will see it on an x-ray. Then 2 more miscarriages. Finally our third gorgeous daughter. I said our family feels complete. My husband using his head and not womb, made valid points and got me to agree to h is vasectomy. 1 month we lost our precious 5 month old. With no warning. With no illness like her possible siblings. It is never easy, it doesn’t get easier. Every one of those pregnancies have been a loss. My angel is a loss. Things I will never recover from. Things I can never forget. But I am alive and I am thankful. For what I have, had, lost, found and every excitement of dreams of my unborn chilren. The love I shared with mm you angel. Thankful not a year after my darling passed so did my mom. Maybe they are taking care of each other. I am thankful today was beautiful that I got to share with #1&2. Also another day closer to spending time with them. Find your own way. Humor or tears it’s yours.
Helen
June 25, 2014 7:21 pmAnna, I really, really like HooHas… but I love this other blog… I love the realness in the voice of your writing. I’ve been in that place of watching the technician not find a heartbeat… I am so sorry… I love that you’re making such an effort to… well… to keep going… Sometimes the best we can do is breathe in then remember to breathe out… Keep writing. There’s a kind of therapy in writing, don’t you think?
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 7:29 pmAbso-freakin-lutely 😉
Wendy
June 25, 2014 7:23 pmThank you got sharing your story. I losty first two babies, one at 12 weeks (after having seen him at 8 weeks measuring normal, great heartbeat, etc) and 2nd at 6 weeks. I have two beautiful girls (now 4 & 2.5) but I think of my angel babies often!
Anna Lind Thomas
June 25, 2014 7:31 pmThey’ll always be with us, you know? Also? 4 & 2? You’re a busy lady!! I love it.
Cici
June 25, 2014 7:29 pmI can absolutely relate. I’ve had 3 miscarriages in my almost 4 years of trying. My most current one was this March after we decided to go for IVF. I believe in miracles, but I have a really hard time thinking one will ever happen for me. Thank you for sharing you heart with us. I look forward to your next post!!!!
Katie Therien
June 25, 2014 7:30 pmI am in the waiting stage between our second miscarriage in May (First was Feb) and the cycle when we can try again. I know in my head that things could be just fine next month and we could see a living baby in 3 months, but man, that 2% thing…I can’t help but imagine my life is going to be spent in 3-4 month frames. Positive test, elation, fear, elation, bloodwork, shots, ultrasound, misery, wait, repeat. I don’t know if we will ever have a healthy pregnancy, but I know that you inspire me to not dwell on it. You give me laughter when I can’t find any. When even my 2 year old can’t brighten my day, your silly memes or stories give me a chuckle and it breaks the seal to more laughter.
Thank you, for writing, for being open enough to share this with us. For not just pushing your loss under a rug as so many encourage those of us unfortunate enough to lose children to do.
Jessica
June 25, 2014 7:33 pmSo sorry for your losses… I too know exactly what you went through… I had 4 miscarriages with one ending in a d&c… In fact I had a miscarriage the month before I found out I was pregnant with my little girl… But the weird thing was that every time I miscarried was right after the first ultrasound when they do they transvag ultrasound it never failed I was miscarring that same night.. At which my dr assured me that was not the case… So when I got pregnant with my DD I did not go into the dr until I was in my second trimester… And today I thank GOD everyday for my beautiful little girl… So what I will say is keep faith keep your head up and when it’s meant to be it will definitely happen… And if you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask… Good luck Jessica
Jamie
June 25, 2014 7:37 pmThank you for writing this. I have never miscarried, but at 35 and still without child, I have wondered at times why I haven’t been chosen to have a child. This helped. Thank you.
Brenna
June 25, 2014 7:37 pmI have never had a miscarriage but I did lose what I thought to be my miracle baby. My whole life I was told ‘pregnancy is not an option for you and will not be possible’. I spent a long time coming to terms with that and convincing myself I didn’t even want kids so no big. That was until I got a positive on a pee stick. The bad thing, I was in an abusive relationship with no where to go. When my other found out (I kept it hidden for 33 weeks) he pushed me down the stairs. I went into early labor and my daughter, Bella, never lived to past 10 days. It was an awful time for me but it was also my wake up call. My miracle baby saved my life. I got out of the relationship (and out of the state altogether) and started my life over. I am now married to a wonderful man and a stepmommy to his two beautiful little boys. I miss my daughter everyday, I mourn for her as much now as I did 8 years ago. I am also so thankful to her. I cannot have children as it would put me at too much risk now but my husband and I have decided to become foster parents to the wonderful children of this world who have no one to love them. I’m basically saying all this because I am a firm believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not like the reason or see the purpose in it, not right away, but you learn and you grow from it. When you are able to hold a child in yours arms again (biological or adopted) you are going to love that child as fiercely and passionately as anyone can love, keep your head up my friend 🙂
Heather E.
June 25, 2014 7:39 pm*sigh* Your post is so inspiring. While my heart aches for the heartache you have had to endure, I so admire your perspective. My sister was concerned she wouldn’t be able to conceive and after about 6 years, she finally had a positive pregnancy test. Everything went great until 20 weeks when she started having issues with the pregnancy. Long story short….she delivered my neice at 25 weeks. And she came home yesterday after 15 weeks in the NICU. You never know what is in store for your life. The only thing you can do is have faith and keep moving forward. I always say “chin-up, buttercup, it can only get better”! I pray that you will continue to make people laugh and stay positive, for I am sure great things are ahead for you! Thanks for sharing your story.
Elizabeth Zuber
June 25, 2014 7:43 pmI have always loved reading what you have to write. You are an inspiration to me, as to many. I am sorry to hear what you have been through. Although I’ve never suffered, a close friend of mine has. She has a 9 year old daughter and tried for 2 1/2 years to conceive again, wound up with twin girls (my God-daughters) now 6 years old. Had a miscarriage with baby number 4 and now has a 6 month old baby boy. A girl I work with has miscarried as well as her sister. It may not have happened to me, but I am all too familiar with the emotional devastation that comes with it. Keep your head up and Good luck to you!
Heather
June 25, 2014 7:48 pmI had a miscarriage and got pregnant immediately after with an ectopic, fourteen years on I still miss my boy. I mourn the day I lost him and the day he was supposed to have been born. Each day I live a little easier, but I will never forget him. It messes with your mind, but stay strong, when it is meant to be it will happen for you. Take care x
seriouslyisthisreallife
June 25, 2014 7:54 pmI had a suspected ectopic miscarriage type thing (nothing for sure except miscarriage) in between my healthy sons. I remember feeling like things would never get better and just being pissed at everyone else. Then, suddenly, I was the pregnant one again. I agree, part of my story but not the whole thing. I wish you luck in the future. Thank you for sharing.
Shaan Hawkins
June 25, 2014 7:57 pmWhile I’ve not experienced a miscarriage, I was diagnosed with breast cancer this past January at the age of 27 and only two months after having a baby. I totally get finding peace in humor. I have laughed and joked my way through six rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy. While I still have 30 rounds of radiation and more surgeries ahead, my humor will see me through it. Your blogs have made me laugh until I cried, and some were on days when I wasn’t in the mood to laugh. So thank you for pushing on.
Stephanie
June 25, 2014 7:58 pmYour story is amazing! You make so many of us laugh and to know you are going through so much is unreal… actually it made more “real”. Love your site and can’t wait for tomorrow’s post!!
Erin
June 25, 2014 8:00 pmAnna, you are an absolutely precious woman of God. I adore your funny posts, but this is by far my favorite. You’re heart is so precious. I share a pregnancy loss and so much of what you write resonates with me and some of the things I wrote about during that time. These losses are part of your story. I took great comfort in knowing that our stories are written by a Good and Perfect God. Because if we don’t have that, what do we have? I wrote this post a couple of days after my still birth. (I’ll include the address at the bottom) I never share links to my story with others who are experiencing loss because I never really felt comfort from reading other people’s stories of faith and healing as I was still walking out my own. Yet in some way this time I feel compelled. But please don’t feel compelled to read it. This is my favorite line from this post, and I definitely now know it to be true in new ways: “The truth is, all of our traumas and tragedies matter just as they are, independently of others. I rode out my despair exactly as I needed to.” http://allthingsricher.blogspot.com/2012/08/losing-lydia-grace-and-finding-grace.html
Stephanie
June 25, 2014 8:01 pmI recently had an early miscarriage, and then an ectopic right after. We haven’t tried again yet, but reading your story resonates so deeply for me. I felt the exact same loss looking at the empty ultrasound and knowing it must be bad because I knew my dates. Thank you for sharing your story- it helps to hear from another member of the 2%!
Lexi
June 25, 2014 8:05 pmIt breaks my heart to read stories like this. I have friends that miscarried their son and had a stillbirth with their daughter (with less than a month left and no reason for it). And as much as that breaks my heart, that mama is the strongest woman I know. I’ve never known anyone with such faith. She reached out to help others that were going through what she had been through in the midst of her grief. So the turning point is finding what YOU need to make it through. Finding YOUR strength, whatever helps your brief to go how it needs to go. I’m so glad you found yours! Happy endings are always better (and I assume there’s even more of a happy ending by your other comments). Thank you for sharing your story. I can already see where your strength is helping others to find theirs. 🙂
By the way, my friend is at 29 weeks with their 3rd. He will be born in either July or August (whenever the doctors decide it’s time). 🙂
Steffiest
June 25, 2014 8:06 pmThank you for sharing your story. I am grateful to have my two boys but the one miscarriage I had in between tears me up. We saw the heart beat at 7 weeks and at 10 weeks I was having a DC. The night before I saw my perfectly formed baby with no heartbeat. It never goes away totally. Keep sharing. It helps. At least it did me.
Tricia
June 25, 2014 8:09 pmOh Anna… I know I am sorry doesn’t erase the pain or stop the hurting but I am so very sorry for you losses. I lost my first son Dominic when I was three and a half months along. I remember seeing the ultrasound two hours earlier of him moving just to lose him that night. The grief it brings is indescribable and it is hard to navigate I am thankful for posts like these not because I am thankful for your loss but because this is a topic not many talk about. I was given a gift a year later of my little boy Alex the first year of his life was terrifying but he is a healthy happy nine year old now. I have had in total three miscarriages and three healthy happy babies. So please don’t give up faith that miracles do happen because when I know it is true.I will be praying that God blesses you with a healthy happy baby to fill your arms and heart with love and joy. Thank you for both your HaHa for Hooha’s site and this one your words have brought me through some very hard days and your silly stories have had me rolling in laughter when I felt like crying. You have a tremendous gift and I feel blessed that you share it with all of us.
Rachael Brooks
June 25, 2014 8:17 pmI am sorry you had to endure this and I admire you for sharing. I have had 4 miscarriages and lost 5 babies (the first miscarriage was twins). I cannot say anything to make it better but I find that it us helpful to know you are not alone. Until I endured my 3rd loss I didn’t even know my own mother had suffered one between me and my brother. It’s so taboo to talk about. Thank you for helping to let others know they are not alone and they do not have to stay behind closed doors with it if they don’t want to.
Lea
June 25, 2014 8:20 pmJust beautiful. I had one miscarriage before my daughter and was absolutely devastated. I was a nervous wreck up until the day she was born and then even more so after because I could not believe that she was here and so perfect! Your words mean so much to me. While I am still sad that it happened I have to remember that that miscarriage was not in vain. Thank you so much for sharing. You’re the best!
Amie
June 25, 2014 8:43 pmAs a mommy to 5 angels I wanted to reach out with compassion and understanding. Your last statement spoke to me, through my 6th and first successful pregnancy the words that resonated in my head and heart were “I Am the maker of miracles and the mover of mountains and I Am making a miracle in you.” Keep the faith, it is what saw me through and will you too. Thanks for sharing your story.
Kay
June 25, 2014 8:46 pmThank you for posting. I’ve always imagined my life with children but now my husband and are being tested for infertility. It’s hard but staying hopeful. And I feel ya, one more pregnancy or birth announcement and I might go crazy!
melanie
June 25, 2014 8:56 pmI went through losses like this one 6 month and the other 3 less than 12 weeks that did as your last and deteriorated. I gave up completely until a very special lady came into my life and gave me strength to give it one more go. I went to the assisted reproduction technology group in birmingham alabama, immediately they found the problem through blood work and I got my son. I had to do shots twice a day to keep my body from rejecting the baby and God gave me the strength to do the rest. Don’t give up. The Dr there told us that a miscarriage is one of the hardest things in the world because there is no answer, no comfort, and you have your hopes and dreams taken. They were awesome with the emotions and had answers. All my tears made my husband and I the parents we are today. I pray all the time that God will lead me to use my story to give someone else hope. I’ll be praying for you.
Robin
June 25, 2014 8:57 pmThis is perfectly timed, as I’m preparing mentally and emotionally to head to the fertility clinic in a few days. Thank you. 🙂
Erica
June 25, 2014 9:11 pmI’m sorry Anna, I have never gone through a miscarriage so I can’t imagine the pain you have felt mentally and physically. I went through a different pain, sitting in a exam room with a doctor telling me that the baby my husband and I hope to one day have would never happen. I felt like part of me died but my husband always the one to keep the faith kept telling me that if it was ment to be then it would be and that we must have faith. It was very hard for me to have faith and as family members and friends became pregnant while I was happy for them my heart would hurt. It took about 3 years for me to finally let go of the pain I started to focus more on my marriage my career and my faith. Sometimes the most amazing things can happen when just let go and have faith, we were able to adopt a little girl who so desperately needed a family and we had so much love to give. I didn’t care about having a baby anymore in fact when my husbands family started having a baby boom I didn’t even flinch I put all my focus in helping my daughter over come all she had gone through before she became our child. About 4 months later I started to feel strange but blamed it on my medical problems as the oddness persisted I decided to take a test and when it came out positive I about fell out on the floor. My husband was excited but a afraid to show it untell our first ultrasound even then we proceeded with caution afraid that some thing might go wrong and a few times it almost did but we made it and at 38 weeks I gave birth to a healthy 5lb baby boy. He is 1 1/2 now and it still amazes me that he is here 🙂 So please don’t give up amazing things can happen .
P.S sorry it was such a long story.
Alea
June 25, 2014 9:14 pmBeautifully written and honest! Must have been difficult for you to write, it made me cry reading it. Prayers for you!!
Rebecca
June 25, 2014 9:14 pmThank you. I’m sure you know, you are not alone, and it’s nice of you to share so other women can heal with you. ♡
Marty
June 25, 2014 9:16 pm“why not me?”. Anna, your post today was beautiful and I’m quite blessed that I saw it and read it. The more of your posts I read, the more I like you. 😉 “Why not me?” has been what I’ve thought for years, and it helps me to realize how blessed I really am despite my situations in life, and helps me to move on, hopefully better. Come what may, I’ll be praying for you.
Brittany McBay
June 25, 2014 9:22 pmBeautiful story. I’m so sorry you have gone through this. I have been through two full on miscarriages, one before my first so and one before my second son, as well as a vanishing twin with my first son.
Amanda
June 25, 2014 9:24 pmAs someone currently walking through infertility…no actual losses unless uou count almost four years of negitive pregnancy tests or hearing the doctor say you will never have a child naturally if at all as losses which they are in their own way. But although it is a different path your openness and honesty were refreshing! As refreshing as the daily laughs you share with us!
Irene Tosta
June 25, 2014 9:28 pmLove your honesty! I never comment on these but you crack me up all the time! So please continue to share your amazing gift!
Michelle
June 25, 2014 9:32 pmSorry for what u had to go through. Thank you for sharing your raw feelings. I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and I have definitely felt a lot of same emotions. Thanks for your post.
Mom Constantly Interrupted
June 25, 2014 9:35 pmThank you for sharing your story. I too have experienced miscarriages. Faith has definitely helped pull me through. I hope and pray one day you and Rob are blessed with a child (or more). For now, I know there aren’t really any “good” words to say but please know you are in my prayers.
Thanks for blessing the world with your humor, even when life wasn’t providing much humor in yours. <3
Kimberly
June 25, 2014 9:52 pmI remember that feeling of just knowing that something wasn’t right. I miscarried at 8 weeks. I also remember that I couldn’t breathe when there was no heartbeat. A loss is a loss no matter how far along you are. Thank you for your story! Praying for your miracle in whatever form that looks like!
Emily
June 25, 2014 10:21 pmThank you for sharing this. It is real and resounds with me. I am sorry for your raised and dashed hopes. I’ve been there, and it’s a weird thing, as a writer, to put into words without sounding maudlin. You did well.
Sabrina Ormsby
June 25, 2014 10:31 pmAnna, clearly your need to share has opened up a flood gate of emotions here. It certainly added to my sniffles tonight. As a mother with 4 miscarriages, 2 successful pregnancies and in the middle of my final pregnancy (I hope) thank you for talking about your personal experiences. It builds strength in my heart to read people’s stories.
elizabethaj
June 25, 2014 10:44 pmI’m so sorry. I’ve had one late miscarriage myself (4 months in) . Darn near lost my daughter as well….stupid incompetent cervix.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s an emotional pain no one can understand until it happens to them.
I look forward to your announcement though 🙂
Sarah
June 25, 2014 11:03 pmI had a miscarriage between my first and second sons, and everyone kept telling me at least I already had one healthy baby… I don’t know if it made it easier or not, but it was still awful and painful and sad. I got pregnant again (on the pill) less than three months later, before I’d really even processed the loss, and never really exhaled until the baby was born… Now I’m pregnant with #3 and I think only people who’ve lost a baby can understand why I can’t just relax. I’ve seen the ultrasound with a healthy heartbeat and they’ve told me that everything looks great, but I still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop…
Audrey Holt
June 25, 2014 11:46 pmThank you so much for sharing your grief and difficulties. There are no words to explain the mourning that happens within one single women at the loss suffered from a miscarriage.
Christina Martin
June 26, 2014 12:08 amYou put my life, thoughts and experiences into words! Our journeys are almost identical and oddly, comforting! Thank you for sharing!
Angie
June 26, 2014 12:11 am.Wow! You just told my story. I am sitting here with the tears flowing. I had only been married 6 months (at the ripe old age of 21) I was not too good at taking my birth control pill on a daily basis. I seriously thought I had the stomach flu. We had never really discussed having children. I guess we just assumed that one day we would. That is what good old-fashioned southern girls do. I wasn’t even sure if I liked kids. The stomach flu turned out to be morning sickness that lasted all day, every day for 3 months. Finally the big day came. A baby…a healthy baby boy, who is now 33 years old. I was in love! We grew up together. I am still in love. And I found out that I LOVE kids. They are magical! When my son was 4, we began to try for another baby. (Pray, God answers prayers. you can even be specific…Please Lord, I want a healthy baby girl) Easy right? I got pregnant pretty quick. I miscarried pretty quick too. And thus became years of elation, followed by sadness. 5 x to be exact. My son was very involved in sports & I coached cheerleading. I was always with kids. And I loved it! Every one in our community knew how desperately I wanted another child. I lost 3 of my pregnancies at the ball fields. My friends were cautious about sharing their pregnancies…they did not want to shove it in my face. (They weren’t, but it was hard sometimes) Baby showers were a nightmare. ( Should they invite me??? They were so worried about hurting me) I did not go to baby showers. I always sent a fabulous gift along with the “I am so sorry I cannot attend, but I have a prior engagement. This “prior engagement” was a bottle of wine & lots of Kleenex. A pity party. Then I would put on my bravest game face. And I really was happy for all my friends. We gave up & quit trying. The emotional toll was just way to heavy. 15 years later, the auto-button on my coffee maker turned on, just as it had every single day. This time was different…the smell…UGH. This was followed by other small ailments. It really did not even occur to me that all these ailments were the early signs of pregnancy. YES, at the age of 36 I was Pregnant. We did not share this news with anyone. The days turned into weeks. We were cautiously optimistic. At 22 weeks, the ultra-sound revealed that my baby was healthy & right on track. It also revealed that my unborn child was a GIRL! The joy was indescribable! Friends & Family threw huge baby showers. Our friends at the ball fields were erupting with happiness. I continued to coach. Life is so sweet. My daughter…finally! She was & continues to be perfect. I am now a grandmother (Grammy) to two incredibly amazing children…Charlee who is 4, is in a cheer gym daily (her mom is a cheer coach) Rikki is 18 months. He was overdosed with personality. He is the happiest little baby I have ever known. There is no way to describe how deeply a miscarriage hurts. It’s hard to identify the loss. You really can’t explain the grief. It is deep & profound. It HURTS! Unless you have suffered this loss, you will never have a true understanding of this horror. What I know for sure is that God has a plan HIS timing & ours are not always on the same page. I know that HE answers our prayers. We, who have lost our unborn babies, are compassionate, strong & humble. We don’t take our healthy babies for granted. We have a sisterhood. We hurt & grieve for each other. We don’t know each other, we are bound together by grief & grace. And we pray for each other like others can’t. There really isn’t a category you can put us in. But we understand each other. Our husbands can’t ever really comprehend how deeply our souls hurt. So to each of you who have commented on this story…especially our author…You, my sisters in grief, my sisters in Jesus Christ, I am praying. You are deeply engraved on my heart. You are not alone. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. ~Angie
Renae
June 26, 2014 9:43 amWhat a story! I cried! I only had one loss and such short struggles compared to some. But your story touches my heart! <3
Kristi
June 26, 2014 12:37 amI never expected to get pregnant on the pill. Found myself pregnant at 42. Unfortunately I lost the baby officially Christmas Eve of last year at 7 weeks only to go to a gathering where there was a newborn that was just released from the hospital to the mother that drank heavily and took excessive amounts of prescription pain pills during the pregnancy. Needless to say I was very angry at her and devastated all in one. It took me some time to work through the loss. I can’t imagine going through it 3 times. Thank you for sharing.
Olivia
June 26, 2014 12:38 amThank you so much for sharing such personal and painful experiences. I love reading your posts as they always make me laugh, even when I’m having a tough day. Reading your post today, I cried for you and your husband and the heartache you have gone through. I love that you are holding on to your faith through these times. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers as well and we can both have faith that God has wonderful plans for you.
Laura
June 26, 2014 1:31 amI’ve never really spoken about my miscarriage. I hadn’t really wanted children but my husband did. I agreed to try. I knew exaactly when I became pregnant. No doubt in my mind that it had happened. Smells were awful. Riding in the back seat of a car became nauseating. My breasts were so swollen and were sensitive to even wearing a bra. I didn’t say anything until I was far enough along to take a pregnancy test. My husband was thrilled. He was so excited and I too was happy in a guarded kind of way because I knew that this pregnancy would change everything. We went to the OB/GYN and found out the due date was April 1 (really? what a terrible joke). The following weekend we went out of town for three days to a convention. When we got home I found that I had started spotting, nothing too bad, but spotting nonetheless. I called the doctor and was reassured that it isn’t uncommon but to set up an appointment the following day. Everything looked fine. He took some blood to make sure but didn’t act too worried. I got the call the following day that the hcg levels indicated that I had miscarried. I asked how they knew and was told that the numbers were a bit low. I wanted to know what the number was and what it should have been. He never told me what it should have been. I found that out later but the actual number for me at this point was 34. A successful pregnancy at six weeks should have been in the thousands, but mine was 34. Thirty-four. For someone who didn’t necessarily even want to be pregnant the blow this dealt me was devestating. I could barely tell my husband what the doctor said, let alone my Mom and sister who were both baby making machines. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. We didn’t share this information with too many people. I couldn’t handle the sympathy. It was all too much. Shortly thereafter I was approached by an acquaintance that was six months preganant asking me when I was going to start my family. She didn’t know. It wasn’t intentional but I felt like I had been kicked in the heart all over again. To this day she doesn’t know. I wouldn’t want her to feel badly about something she had no way of knowing. I now have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. My own matched set. But come every April I wonder who that little one would have been.
Cat Poland (@catpoland)
June 26, 2014 6:17 amOh, honey. This really spoke to me. I just want to wrap you up in the biggest hug. My first pregnancy was ectopic. My tube ruptured, and if not for the “miracle of modern medicine,” I would have died. My next two were miraculous baby girls, and when we got pregnant again last year, I felt overly confident that nothing would happen. I’d been through enough, right? Wrong. I miscarried at 11 weeks, long after a strong heartbeat had been detected. And to make matters worse, my father died suddenly two weeks later. I SO appreciate you sharing your story and your inspirational message. You’re not alone, and you let us know that we’re not either. Thank you.
Norma Cook
June 26, 2014 8:26 amAnna, If you never ever bear a child, know that the child of your mind, your Hoohas blog is as much of a creation from your hands as a child would be from your womb. It contains as much of your personality, humanity and charm as it would if it was filled with your own DNA. It touches more people’s hearts than ever a person could if he spent 360 days of the year flying around the world. You have already left your mark in this world and it will be here as long as the internet exists. Although you can’t hold it in your arms, you will receive such love in return for the gift of yourself you give to others. All you need do is turn on the computer.
Oh, and did I mention, you also avoid spit up, dirty diapers, the terrible twos and the nasty teenage years?
Bonus!
Natalie
June 26, 2014 8:50 amAfter 4 losses I had a healthy baby girl, and after two more losses, I have had a boy and another girl! Still no medical explanation of why, but the loss has made me a better mom. Prayers!
Christy
June 26, 2014 9:18 amI have never spoken about this until now. I too had 3 failed pregnancies with one being an ectopic. I used humor also to get me through. I don’t know why I am posting this now. I believe everything happens for a reason. I was there where you are. Went to tons of specialists & infertility doctors over 10 years. Tons of tests, poked, proded, etc. Then two miscarriages and finally the ectopic. After I found out, I had an ectopic pregnancy, which was so far along I needed emergency surgery because my tube was starting to rupture. I was at a place in my mind where I just wanted a child. I told the doctor he could not remove the tube/pregnancy. My husband had to sign the authorization for emergency surgery because I was so upset I wouldn’t do it.
I read the comments above and I too received a ton of advice from people who had miscarriages. What they didn’t understand is yes they went through the pain of the miscarriage but they had a biological child. People were always trying to comfort me this way and honestly it did nothing to comfort me because they were holding their child. I know what it feels like to yearn for your own child that has your nose, or maybe your eyes. It is a pain that goes deep and is confounded by the pain of loss that your body is not like everyone else.
I have a 6 year old that we adopted at birth. Do not get me wrong, he is a huge blessing and brings me joy daily. He did not grow in my belly but he grew in my heart. Most people have no idea he is adopted. There is no difference with the way I feel about him. However, the yearning for that biological child never leaves. It is a pain that dulls over time but always throbs within you.
My advice and this is something that I learned the hard way, is talk with your husband. Men feel they need to be strong for you and they are hurting just as much as you. I didn’t figure that out until it was too late.
Nessa
June 26, 2014 9:20 amI’m sorry about your troubles. Many woman can relate to you. I don’t know why, but many woman are struggling with that. Even more surprising, is how many woman who can’t even conceive or ovulate (let alone get a period!) Keep trying to have faith. You are going to be a great mother some day!
Petra
June 26, 2014 9:54 amYour story is sad but the courage with which you have endured it is beautiful and uplifting.
I, myself, don’t have children, but my mom actually had a miscarriage. She was carrying twins and only one of them, my sister, survived. My mom always told us that she knew exactly when she lost the baby, she was walking across her college campus when suddenly, she began to feel excruciating pain in her stomach.
Upon a doctor’s visit, it was discovered that she had lost one of her twins. Even though she already had three children, she was devastated. Even today, when all of her children are gathered together, there are four of us, in the van or somewhere, she’ll look back at us and say, “Are we missing someone?”
Miscarriages have the power to damage the soul, to make one rage against God and against life. But you didn’t do that and that takes a strength of will that I feel privileged to behold.
God bless you. Whether it’s with children if you want, with peace, with love and joy. I just hope that He blesses you.
Katie
June 26, 2014 10:05 amI’m so sorry but I’m glad you found a wonderfully healthy way to cope. My mother wanted a whole houseful of children and out of 10 pregnancies, I’m the only survivor. She went through 9 miscarriages before I came along. So, when I was first pregnant, I was terrified. I had 3 miscarriages before I was able to have my girls and on each anniversary of my miscarriages before my girls were born, my pity-parties were spectacular. Turns out that my mother has a ridiculously high platelet count that was passed on to me. It was blocking nutrients to the baby and starving them. Unfortunately, they didn’t know to look for such things in the 70’s & 80’s. My problem was fixed by taking a baby asprin every day after I learned I was pregnant to thin out my blood just enough so things kept moving. I’ll send you all the positive energy I can muster because I know you’d make an awesome mother!
Jandb0103
June 26, 2014 10:46 amI am right in the middle of all of this myself. I have never had a problem getting pregnant, first time we tried, every time. But our first son was born with several severe heart defects, bad enough that the doctors told us surgery wasn’t an option, just take him home and love him until the inevitable happens and he passes away. At first they gave him 2-3 days, then 2-3 weeks. Well, he turned 13 a couple months ago! We still don’t know what his future will be like, but who does I guess.
We have had three perfectly healthy children since then, but I have always been a complete mess until the 18 week ultrasound where they check the heart.
Then two years ago I got pregnant again. I miscarried at 7 weeks. I knew that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, so I figured it was my 5th pregnancy, I was due, right? I was sad, but was able to put it behind me and we tried again 4 months later. I got pregnant right away, and I was extremely nervous that first trimester, but I made it through. Once I got past 12 weeks I thought I was in the clear, everything was looking great, but when I went in for a regular checkup at 16 weeks there was no heartbeat, by the measurements my little boy had died the day before. Because I was so far along I couldn’t have a d&c, I actually had to be induced and go through the whole birth process. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
It was shocking to me how different my emotions were between the two miscarriages. I basically became a hermit, I stayed home, didn’t ever answer the phone and tried to deal with my grief. It was a very difficult, dark time.
But here’s the thing, I have always imagined 5 kids, always. I come from a small family, but since I was little I have always wanted 5 kids. I think part of what made the second miscarriage so hard was it seemed like I was not going to have the family I imagined my whole life, I was grieving the dream as much as the actual baby.
It took a year and a half, but I finally got to the point where I wanted to try one last time. I am almost 40 and am running out of time. And it worked, immediately, as always. And today I am 27 1/2 weeks along with a little girl. But I am still terrified. I haven’t even been able to start getting the baby stuff out, I did that last time and then had to put it all back away having not used it. I guess I am just trying to protect myself, but even I know that isn’t really possible. But hopefully, in 12 weeks or so, I will have her here. We still don’t have a name for her, but there is a good chance it will be Hope.
Elaine
June 26, 2014 10:56 am…..to everything there is a purpose. Don’t remember how I found your blog, but so glad I did. Thank you for sharing your journey….can be a jagged road sometimes, can’t it? Now I need to go get a tissue and clean up the mascara running down my cheeks.
Karen
June 26, 2014 11:03 amI have had 3 ectopics – should have died the first time from the rupture (actually did die on the table and lost 4/5ths of the blood in my body) – 2nd one they caught and repaired the tube – 3rd was a rupture again and a Dr that didn’t believe I could really be bleeding internally – fortunately I believed and went from the Navy Clinic to the Naval Hospital and an intern performed the necessary tests and obviously, I survived…now – 30 years later I can honestly say, the old saying, if not this, then something better is waiting for you – my life would have certainly been different had I been able to have children – but I went off on adventures I would not have otherwise have had and I now have a lifelong dream with a herd of horses many of which are rescues and I support wounded warriors and challenged children (Special Olympics and all manner of physical and mental and emotional challenges) and I am blessed with lots of wonderful children and people in my life that I provide services to at no charge who would otherwise not have the opportunity to ride and work with horses…and had I had my own kids, I likely would never have been able to do this….so no regrets – life did not turn out the way I thought it would, but it has been and continues to be a wonderful adventure and I count my blessings everyday. Thank you for sharing your story
Amanda
June 26, 2014 12:41 pmI’m sorry for your loss. I have miscarried twice. One of them I did not find out until I had my daughter that she was twins. Because of that my daughter was almost a still born. All good things come in due time. God will know when your .ready. and it will all the sudden happen. I. was not supposed to be able to have any more children after her but found out I was 3 months pregnant when she was 11 months old. Your body may have not been prepared .yet. I .live your .story. You’ll be OK through all of our pain and sorrow there will be something to. be joyous of
LifeAsIKnowIt
June 26, 2014 2:08 pmHugs. 🙂 Humour is strength and lady, you’re a strong woman!
Misty Simmons
June 26, 2014 4:52 pmI felt every feeling that you experienced. My story is similar, as during the first year of my marriage to my current (and freaking last) husband, we suffered 2 miscarriages. The emotional pain is so much more devastating than the physical pain. To want something so much you can feel it. Worse, the fact that your sister had just had a stillborn and hated you because you were pregnant and told the world that you didn’t deserve a child. To hope, to believe that everything will be fine with the 2nd pregnancy, only to be walking down the hall at the office and feel that sharp stab of pain that brings you to the chair in the nearest office. I had given up. It was not meant for me to have more children. Furthermore, my husband wasn’t meant to be a father. Horrible feelings of anger and jealousy toward anyone who was lucky enough to have that round belly. Then, 3 months later, another missed period, another pregnancy test. Positive. Don’t get too excited, we’ve been here before. OBgyn started hormone treatments immediately and I carried her to almost full term. Two years later, surprise it’s another girl. Then 18 months later (look at us go with our fertile selves), again, only this time….it’s a boy AND a girl! Twins! We have been so very blessed!! Looking back over the 10 years we have been married and all of that we have overcome, the hurt and pain, the joy, the whining, the diapers, the fighting…..God has a reason for everything, and everything must be in His time. Trust in Him. Congrats to you Anna! You are going to make an AWESOME mother!!
Natalie
June 26, 2014 7:25 pmI’ve been a faithful reader for a year or so now and I always thought that you’d make a great mom and wondered if you were thinking about having kids. Thank you for sharing your story and also thank you for making me laugh when my heart was breaking. In the last year I have been pregnant three times but still never made it past 7 weeks. Congratulations on the little one who is now even bigger than a mustard seed! 🙂
shannonashleys
June 26, 2014 8:51 pmWow.. So powerful. Like many others I too have a story. My husband and I got married young (I was 19, he was 21) but decided to wait a little bit to start a family (which we knew we always wanted). Well at 24 I found out I was pregnant and we couldn’t have been happier! But, at 7 weeks I started spotting. I called my dr and he said “oh that’s normal but come in just to be certain so you don’t have to worry all weekend” (it was Friday). He found the baby, but no heartbeat and he/she was measuring 6 weeks. He took my blood and said he would recheck Monday. Well they went up 3,000 points and things were looking promising! He said we would have a follow up ultrasound the next Monday. Twi days later was my husbands birthday, followed by my dads. I spotted that whole week and I just knew in my heart that the baby wasn’t ok. After the longest weekend of my life, we went in to have the follow up ultrasound (one day shy of 9 weeks) on October 31, 2011. The tech said the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, and no heartbeat. The doctor said he would give me 24 hours to decide if I wanted my body to miscarry naturally or have a d & c. My body chose for me and I miscarried later that afternoon at home with my husband. After the devastating loss, we wanted to try again right away. Well God had other plans. Fast forward to May of 2013 after 4 rounds of clomid, we were on a family vacation in Florida. For some reason, going to all the Disney parks, aquariums, and universal studios, I never had baby envy (like I usually constantly had). I kept getting sick on any ride I would go on and cried because I missed my dog. I also was watching the lion king at midnight because my husband turned it on then promptly fell asleep. Something Rafiki said really stuck with me… “Yes the past hurts, but the way I see it, you can either run from it… Or learn from it”. I needed to learn from my past and quit feeling sorry for myself, live my life, and just trust God. I took a test as soon as we got home from our trip and it was positive! I did have spotting that was cured with progesterone, but overall a good pregnancy. Now as I sit here writing this while nursing my daughter Henley Hope (born 1-14-14), I couldn’t be more grateful or thankful to God for this blessing. Her middle name came from the journey we went on to have her. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you truly are an inspiration!
shannonashleys
June 26, 2014 9:18 pmWow.. So powerful. Like many others I too have a story. My husband and I got married young (I was 19, he was 21) but decided to wait a little bit to start a family (which we knew we always wanted). Well at 24 I found out I was pregnant and we couldn’t have been happier! But, at 7 weeks I started spotting. I called my dr and he said “oh that’s normal but come in just to be certain so you don’t have to worry all weekend” (it was Friday). He found the baby, but no heartbeat and he/she was measuring 6 weeks. He took my blood and said he would recheck Monday. Well they went up 3,000 points and things were looking promising! He said we would have a follow up ultrasound the next Monday. Twi days later was my husbands birthday, followed by my dads. I spotted that whole week and I just knew in my heart that the baby wasn’t ok. After the longest weekend of my life, we went in to have the follow up ultrasound (one day shy of 9 weeks) on October 31, 2011. The tech said the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, and no heartbeat. The doctor said he would give me 24 hours to decide if I wanted my body to miscarry naturally or have a d & c. My body chose for me and I miscarried later that afternoon at home with my husband. After the devastating loss, we wanted to try again right away. Well God had other plans. Fast forward to May of 2013 after 4 rounds of clomid, we were on a family vacation in Florida. For some reason, going to all the Disney parks, aquariums, and universal studios, I never had baby envy (like I usually constantly had). I kept getting sick on any ride I would go on and cried because I missed my dog. I also was watching the lion king at midnight because my husband turned it on then promptly fell asleep. Something Rafiki said really stuck with me… “Yes the past hurts, but the way I see it, you can either run from it… Or learn from it”. I needed to learn from my past and quit feeling sorry for myself, live my life, and just trust God. I took a test as soon as we got home from our trip and it was positive! I did have spotting that was cured with progesterone, but overall a good pregnancy. Now as I sit here writing this while nursing my daughter Henley Hope (born 1-14-14), I couldn’t be more grateful or thankful to God for this blessing. Her middle name came from the journey we went on to have her. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you truly are an inspiration and a huge, huge congrats on your baby news!!!
C. Stewart
June 29, 2014 8:27 amHi,
A friend of mine sent this to me as I have been where you are. I had 6 early term miscarriages. With lots of testing and failed infertility treatments I was diagnosed with MTFHR- double mutation. As soon as I became pregnant I would start heparin shots and everyday prior to a positive test and throughout take 500mg folic acid. We had a little girl after 4 years total of searching for answers and lots of tears. Followed by her birth we had 2 more miscarriages and 4 years later another little girl. Our faith and marriage was strengthened throughtout everything. I found I was my best advocate and learned so much about myself. I will be keeping up with your journey and pray for you. It’s become a part of my prayers to pray for those struggling with infertility. Keep doing what you’re doing. You make such a difference to others.
In His Peace,
C Stewart
Karrie Hough
July 3, 2014 3:45 pmThanks for sharing your story, I’m 34 and after 2 brain surgeries at the age of 23 I was told that I couldn’t get pregnant.Because of the tumors and the fact that they had already bled so much (they couldn’t remove them completely without killing me)and the changes a woman’s body goes through during pregnancy, my body would not survive a pregnancy and likely the child wouldn’t make it either. I love children, I’ve been told so frequently that I would make a wonderful mother,that I’m so great with kids. . . When am I going to have some kids of my own. I’ve had people tell me that what the doctors say doesn’t mean anything. . . That it’s b*ullsh*t. . . and I should try to get pregnant, it’s heartbreaking for me. Having people say thing like that when really they don’t know what they’re talking about. I’ve gotten many 2nd opinions from different doctors, the answer hasn’t changed. I often feel conflicted about the grief that I feel at times, Do I even have the right to grieve the loss of what never was? I feel very lucky to have survived the surgeries, but I have hesitated to marry my partner of 12 years because I can’t give him or anyone else children. I’m afraid that he will end up resenting me because I can’t have kids. It is something that most people don’t understand, but for me it’s difficult to see my friends having babies and how easily people forget and ask me… so when are you going to have children. .. it’s like a knife in the gut. Though our stories are very different, you’ve made me feel not so alone. So thank you and good luck!
Gabby
July 31, 2014 3:43 pmI’m sorry for your losses. I myself have had 3 miscarriages. 2 sets of twins and a singleton. I know it’s hard. Prayers that your current pregnancy is a happy and healthy one!
Karen
March 4, 2015 12:50 pmI have a good friend who had several miscarriages but she also has 4 beautiful children. Truthfully I am not sure whether to say 4 or 3. Her oldest passed away shortly after her 18th birthday from cancer but she still a large part of their lives. She was truly a beautiful young woman and a fighter to the end. The point is, even with miscarriages you are still able to have your own children. There are experts who can make that happen. Don’t give up hope.
Mom Constantly Interrupted
March 4, 2015 1:14 pmKaren, Anna was recently blessed with a beautiful baby girl. =)
Karen
March 4, 2015 5:50 pmThat’s awesome 🙂
Lisa
March 18, 2015 9:40 amThank you Anna
Marketing Maven Mommy
July 26, 2015 7:22 pmAs a mom of twins who also had struggles in my journey, this one line sums it up so perfectly – “And if we’re paying attention, we can look back and weep from the gratitude that we’re still standing”. Congratulations on staying the course, having faith and most importantly your beautiful baby!
Angelica
June 18, 2016 8:35 pmThanks for sharing your story. I have had 4 miscarriages and am going through my fifth right now. I just feel like giving up because I hate going through this. The physical and emotional pain is sometimes too much to bear. :/
Trisha W.
June 18, 2016 9:24 pmDo you know if your miscarriages are related to your hormones dropping off? A couple people in my family had to take progesterone for most of their pregnancy to keep the baby from miscarrying. There was nothing wrong with their babies. Because the hormone levels were dropping off, their bodies didn’t realize their was a baby in the womb.
Mom Constantly Interrupted
June 18, 2016 9:25 pmDo you know if your miscarriages are related to your pregnancy hormones dropping off? A couple people in my family had to take progesterone for most of their pregnancy to keep the baby from miscarrying. There was nothing wrong with their babies. Because the hormone levels were dropping off, their bodies didn’t realize their was a baby in the womb.
cowbertamay
April 11, 2017 9:56 amI really needed to read this today. I just stumbled upon it on Google…but I’m so happy I did. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I am currently going through the mourning process with my 2nd miscarriage, just 3 days ago. My 1st one was only 9 months ago. Thank you so much for writing about this…not many do. I am inspired by your strength and outlook on life, but mostly your truthfulness. Thank you so much.
sweetwithaview
April 30, 2017 10:58 amThank you so much for this honest and beautiful post. I had a miscarriage about 8 weeks ago (at 8 weeks…) I’m hesitant to even try again.