Welp, this is awkward.

Some of you explain body parts to your children like mature adults and I salute you. I’ve tried, but I can’t. I just beat around the bush (no pun intended) and then things like this happen.

I’m minding my business in the bathroom and my 2 and 4 year old break in like they’re the DEA and I’m a drug lord flushing cocaine down the toilet.

They catch me red handed with a tampon (no pun intended).

Both of them just stare at me with a “OMG whatever she was doing in here was way worse than we thought,” kinda look.

“Girls, privacy please?”

“Mommy, what is that?” Lucy said like someone who doesn’t want to know the answer, but needs to know for the sake of all humanity.

“It’s called a tampon.”

“Did you put it up your butt?”

“No.”

“Then where’d it go?”

Oh god.

“Well all girls have another hole in their privates. That’s where it goes.”

“What do you mean?”

“This went in another hole, not my butt, okay? Close the door please.”

“No, it went up your butt.”

“No it didn’t.”

“Yes it did.”

“No. It did not.”

Tensions escalate.

“You put it up your butt!”

“I didn’t put it up my butt!”

“Yes you did!”

“Fine! I put it up my butt! Now get out of my bathroom!”

She left, smug and satisfied because she knew it had gone up my butt all along.

Two hours later, UPS guy comes to the door with a box.

I open the door.

“Mommy! Is that another box of tampons to put up your butt?”

He looks at me. I swing around, “It’s dish towels off Amazon!” then pivot back to him, “Thank you. I don’t put tampons up my butt, she’s a liar,” and slammed the door in his face.