Last night Poppy had a nightmare. She cried out “Yuck!” which is what she says when I kiss her by the way, so that’s great. Maybe she had a nightmare my giant Alanis Morissette mouth was coming towards her, who knows, but she refused to be put back in her crib and said “scawy” every time I tried. So I brought her into bed, cuddled her on my chest and almost immediately regretted all of my life choices.

First things first, she let out a tiny burp and shouted into the quiet darkness, “SCOOOZE ME!” When I didn’t respond, she slapped my face. “MOM! SCOOOZE ME!”

“You’re excused, go to sleep!”

She had a barbie with her, second things second, and got Barbie’s sharp karate chop hand precariously close to my eyeball, then proceeded to shove her into my cleavage.

Then the unthinkable happened. Lucy called out from her bed that she had to go potty. This was a big problem because if she knew Poppy was in our bed, we were all screwed. Everything is 50/50 in a sibling democracy, no matter the cost. Actually wanting or needing what the sibling has is irrelevant. My sister is sick with a fever and getting Motrin with out me? Give me 5 ml OR I’M BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN.

Poppy then calls out to Lucy. My reaction was no different than a woman hiding under a bed while an intruder roams the house. I huddled close and tightly covered her mouth with my palm. Adrenaline pumping, shallow breaths. God help us.

Rob jumped out of bed to tend to Lucy, who by the way, did a #2. Who does a #2 at 3 AM? It should be noted that she took her sweet ass time, slowly thumbing through a Real Simple.

Poppy tried taunting, but I wasn’t letting my hand up. “Quiet Poppy!” I hissed. “Do you want her to find out about us?”

Lucy eventually wrapped it up and Rob tucked her into bed. I relaxed. Poppy started giggling for no reason.

I don’t think we ever slept. But we must have, because I awoke to Lucy standing in my doorway at 7 AM, looking at me like a husband catching his wife with a new lover.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I mumbled. Lucy got into bed angry and the girls proceeded to fight over the comforter. I rolled out and slithered away.

I honestly might be asleep still.