I don’t know what to tell you. This is who I am now.

Someday I’ll get my crap together, but it ain’t today. I think probably around the time both babes are in school full time, but even then – will I? Will I really?

Sometimes though, the stars align and I get fully dressed for the day in actual, real pants, but I have to tread this lightly because it signals to my kids that we’re “going somewhere fun.” Just a little lip gloss alone has the girls running around the house, looking for their shoes.

“We go church! We go see friends? We go eat! I have fries?! Shoes! Where my shoes! Mommy put a bow in my hair! We go mall? Mommy let’s go!”

And I’m just standing there like, “Uh, guys. Sorry to disappoint you, but it’s 10 degrees outside. I was on my way to the storage room so I could restock the toilet paper.”

It doesn’t help my fashion sense that nearly all stores now allow me to order online, pull up, and have someone load it into my car. I am so sorry for those of you with older children who missed this incredible gift. All those times you had to drag all your babies into the store! All you wanted was some Tide! But at what cost? One pooped pants and two tantrums later, you exit the store forlorn, disheveled with a possible bulging disc.

All I’m doing is popping the trunk, y’all. This is true progress!


When we were waiting for someone to bring out groceries and Lucy said she had to pee.

Oh god.

So all the people at Whole Foods yesterday who saw the woman wearing a house robe like a coat with flip flips in the middle of winter – all I have to say is – I’m sorry. I didn’t think I’d be getting out of the car.