I don’t want to brag or anything, but every time I set a goal for myself, I’m consumed with a steely resolve.

My mind is sharp, resolute. Ready to take the pain. Nothing is too big to block my path to victory.

I am such a badass.

And my badassery is at it’s peak, New Years Eve right after dinner and a “goodbye dessert”, also known as my last hurrah.

The day I consume and then say goodbye to sugar. Anything “processed”. This is when I dump all that dares to cause inflammation and replace it with pure coconut oil. I get a second job so I can afford grassfed beef. I’m worth it.

I’m the Muhammad Ali of goals.

And then the unthinkable happens.

Eventually I get hungry and start getting cravings. It pretty much starts to unravel from there.

My next goal, waking at 5 AM, comes early. I rose like a zombie to my alarm and stumbled out into my family room.

I see my couch. And a blanket. Perhaps I could just give myself an extra 15 minutes. After all, Lucy woke up in the middle of the night and that cost me at least 20.

At 8:15 my husband taps my shoulder, holding Poppy. “Hey, why are you on the couch?”

Yesterday I was such a badass.

80% of us quit our New Years Resolutions by February and only 7% ever seeing them realized at all. That’s because our resolutions aren’t seeds sown into fertile soil, but wishes, scattered on to asphalt. We don’t actually change, we just temporarily will ourselves until it gets hard.

Erma Bombeck said, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

That’s why I want to wake up early. It’s the only time I’m truly alone to get my work and my writing done. Otherwise I’m just typing away in the midst of wild children who beg for more grapes, but won’t eat the “butt” end. It’s never my best. Always rushed and stressed.

I want to use everything God gave me. To do a job well done. To not leave a single thing on the table when I go. This means I need energy, pep. To be healthy, full of life and vigor. This is the kind of desire that starts the grueling work of actual change.

I’m not really a badass. I just want to die without a single bit of talent left.