Dear people who need to get their eyes checked,
When I was pregnant, it didn’t take long for me to notice that people looked at me differently. I’d get smiles, head nods and warm glowing looks. People went out of their way to help me. I would have stand-offs with elderly women over who should open the door for who, and I’d let them win because my feet were swollen and I was on the hunt for carbs.
After having my baby, I realized there are two kinds of people in this world. People who love babies and people who don’t. You must obviously be in the latter camp because when I walked by you with the cutest baby who has ever lived, you didn’t even notice. I’m pretty sure Marilyn Manson doesn’t like babies, so let that sink in for a second.
I’ve heard that nobody thinks your baby is as cute as you do, but now that I have my Lucy in my arms, whoever said that must have been Steve Buscemi’s mom. Hello?! She’s wearing cowboy boots! And you don’t even look in her direction? Get your eyes checked you blind psychopaths!
Today I brought my baby into the grocery store. She was in a sleeveless dress with a flower bow on her head. Her cuteness was so intense it was making me lightheaded. I walked in holding her and looked around with a beauty pageant smile, awkwardly standing there waiting for the entire store to acknowledge her preciousness. After the 10th person asked me to please step aside so they could get a cart, I about had it. Who was I, Andrea from 90210? Somebody look at me! How are you not melting like butter at the sight of my baby?
Then a woman around my age gave us a big smile and hope returned. “Her name’s Lucy,” I said smiling like Kate Middleton. “Oh, that’s sweet” she said. “Could you step aside so I can grab a cart?”
Fortunately, somewhere near the chips and guacamole samples where I was working on my seventh loaded chip, a few people with excellent taste and vision ooooh’d and awwww’d over her, but for the rest of you, I’m just baffled. To the gentleman in the uncomfortably short running shorts picking out mushrooms – were you in a hurry there, Bub? My baby tried to give you her toy, but you were too busy “perusing” to notice. Next time, just take your portobello mushrooms and leave.
And for the lady picking out the McIntosh apples, did you not hear my baby belt out a piercing scream of delight for 10 long seconds? Her voice is like angel’s wings fluttering in your face. Her sweet lips belted out a song more angelically feminine than a Justin Bieber ballad, and all you can do is pick out apples? They’re not even the good apples. Every one knows McIntoshes are mushy on the inside!
Maybe I’m naive, I guess I just thought the most beautiful baby in the world would have captivated more hearts. For those of you who have stopped to smile or coo at her – thank you, but please stop touching her face.
For the rest of you, how you can purposefully ignore the only baby in the store, a true angel straight from heaven, I’ll never know – and I don’t want to.
Well, at least I think she was the only baby in the store. I don’t really notice other people’s babies.
This article was originally published in the Omaha World Herald, in section MOMAHA.COM in Anna’s “Mother Knows Not Much” column.