No, I’m not saying the lead singer of Nickelback saved my life. I’m talking a literal douche here, people.
My mind is continuously blown by the existence of life.
Think about it. It’s estimated that the chances of you being you – is 1 in 400 quadrillion. QUADRILLION. My brain doesn’t even comprehend that type of number.
Put more simply – the odds that you even exist at all are basically zero.
We beat those kinds of odds, people. Don’t tell me you’re not freaking special.
Which is why I feel like it’s some type of poetic justice that a humor writer like myself exists thanks to one awkward and arguably not really necessary feminine hygiene product – Massengill spring fresh douche.
Allow me to elaborate.
I’m the baby in my family. My sister is 10 years older and my brother is 5. My mom was mentally done having children after my brother. My dad is a home builder and at the time of his growing business, they were moving constantly, often among construction and living a lifestyle that just confirmed to my mom she didn’t want any more children.
So, like many women in the 80s, she used spermicide as birth control.
As an aside, could spermicide have a more terrible name? Do we really have to get that literal with it?
Anyway, I guess most spermicide brands came with an applicator that was reusable for every application. Most women found this a little weird and gross. I mean, yeah – I don’t think I’d want to use the same tampon applicator, either. Where do you put it – the bathroom drawer next to the toothpaste?
Anyway, I’m getting off topic.
Step one to my existence: My aunt calls and gives my mom a hot spermicide tip.
After what apparently was a great trip to the grocery store, my aunt called my mom and told her there’s a new brand of spermicide that has disposable applicators. About freakin’ time!
Probably with much glee, like she just hit the modern technology jackpot, the next time my mom went to the store, she decides to pick up a box of this new fancy spermicide with the disposable applicators. I mean, what next – portable telephones?!?!
Step two to my existence: Local grocer decides to put the spermicide products and douche products right next to each other in the feminine hygiene aisle.
While in the aisle that carried feminine products, my mom searched for the golden ticket of spermicides. As she scanned the different options of preventing me, her eyes lit up when a box read “disposable applicator!” She grabbed that puppy off the shelf and threw it in her cart next to a bag of peas.
Step three to my existence: My parents, um. Decide to, um …
Now this is the part of the story that even at 32 I have a hard time recounting, but since we’re all adults here, I guess I’ll just come out with it. My parents “did it.” According to my mom, her period had just ended so she knew she wasn’t ovulating anyway, but they used protection no matter what because she really didn’t want to get pregnant.
She emphasizes the “really didn’t want to get pregnant” part in the story a lot. We get it, alright? ::eye roll::
Step four to my existence: My mom ovulates twice in one month.
Step five to my existence: Mom loses all common sense and reading capabilities FOR THE SECOND TIME.
Apparently she had horse blinders on that wrapped around her face 5 times, because she refused to read the box of “spermicide” for a second time, ignoring important keywords such as douche and spring fresh and the fact spermicide isn’t even on the box at all.
I’d like to think that all of this has far less to do with my mom having a ditsy brain lapse of epic proportions and more to do with God really needing me to be born.
At this point we all know where this is going. In fact, I’m pretty sure you all figured it out a long time ago, but whatever, I wanted this post to be longer than a paragraph.
So, to recap: Instead of properly protecting herself from pregnancy, my mom freshened herself right up with a spring fresh scented douche while she was unknowingly ovulating for a second time in one month.
And then …
Ta Da!
You’re looking at the 1 in 400 quadrillion. Why am I not buying lottery tickets?!
As a side note, who owes their very existence to a douche? Of course this had to be me.
My mom loves to talk about her dramatic reaction to the news she was pregnant, which I discovered were really just the 5 stages of grief.
Denial: I’m not pregnant. The test is wrong and my boobs are only tripling in size because I’m hitting a growth spurt in my 30s.
Anger: Why God?! I’ve never looked better in my 80s wash jeans!
Bargaining: If only my sister had never called me! If only I had read the box! Why didn’t I read the freaking box?!
Depression: Wow. This is bullcrap. Real bullcrap.
Acceptance: Ok, well this is happening whether I like it or not. Better go buy those damn prenatals.
And then (thank God, because it would be awkward), we can add another stage – joy. My mom likes to tell me that after a few weeks, she was lying in bed, felt her tummy and an overwhelming feeling of love and joy for me washed over her as she became elated that I was about to come into this world.
Cue the Full House “Awwww” audience track …
No matter how you were conceived – a freak accident or meticulously planned – the fact you’re even here is an unfathomable miracle. We take it for granted because babies are born every day, but it doesn’t make the stats less real.
We all beat ZERO odds.
There has to be meaning in those odds. There simply has to be purpose. It’s too freaky, too uncanny – too unlikely – not to.
But we all blow our miracles all the time. Just like most winners of the lottery, we will be bankrupt within 5 years. Maybe financially, maybe emotionally, maybe spiritually or physically. Maybe sometimes all of the above.
Humans have a bizarre way of squandering our miracles and crushing them into unrecognizable dust.
That may be because it takes a miracle in itself to recognize miracles past despair, current economic climates, wars, and battles even in our own homes.
If only we can shift our thinking. If only we can see the miracle in our existence and feel the urgency to make the miracle mean something through our purpose.
Maybe choose kindness instead of snark. Maybe listen instead of just waiting for our turn to be heard. Maybe give more than we think we have. Maybe take that improv class we’ve been putting off because our knees buckle just thinking about it.
We have the choice to believe that all of life on earth has happened by freak chance with no meaning at all, or we can make the choice to believe everything aligned perfectly, for us, for this moment.
We beat zero chances to exist already. I conquered spermicide like a ninja. I like our odds. There is meaning to all of this and we have everything within us to bring that meaning to life.
We’re pretty damn special. Time to start acting like it.
mrssurfturtle
June 16, 2014 8:49 pmYou conquered spermicide, I conquered tied tubes and an offer (and refusal) of an abortion. As my mom had tried to prevent the pregnancy, the doctor offered to perform an abortion even though they were still illegal in 1971. My mom knew I, too, was meant to be. Amazing odds, indeed!
Anna Lind Thomas
June 16, 2014 9:25 pmWOW. Unreal, right?! I’m in awe.
Heather Christensen
June 16, 2014 9:04 pmMy mom didnt use the 80’s spermicide, she used the pill. Apparently, they werent as awesome then. she took her’s late that day because my dad was “needy” and here I am 🙂 Apparently she almost miscarried me too. No pressure, right?
Anna Lind Thomas
June 16, 2014 9:26 pmlol. I’m telling you – we are meant to be.
M. Gregory
June 16, 2014 9:44 pmI wasn’t saved by a douche, or maybe the doctor who tied mom’s tubes was, who knows? I must have been the one she was waiting for because after me, she opted for a nonrefundable hysterectomy. Take that, fate!
Anna Lind Thomas
June 16, 2014 9:45 pmI just laughed out loud at this. Perfect.
Boomeranggnaremoob
June 16, 2014 11:59 pmlol, I can so relate to this… I am the youngest after 3 other kids were born one after the other within 18 months (there was a few months where Mom and Dad had literally 3 babies under two years old) … I came along after 12 years of natural infertility and all of a sudden in her late 30’s my mother thought it must have been ‘the change’ only to discover she was pregnant!
What was really funny, was at 6 months pregnancy my dad booked in for a vasectomy to make sure it didn’t happen again! The looks and jokes the nursing staff made to Mom and Dad have been retold to this day LOL!
NeenerNJ
June 17, 2014 9:05 amI love the fact that you, too, think that the lead singer of Nickelback is 100% synonymous with douche!
Anna Lind Thomas
June 17, 2014 9:55 amLol! The joke was too easy 😉
braultdesign
July 1, 2014 7:40 amI don’t think that anyone in his/her right mind doesn’t know that he is! Saw him a bunch of times at the bar I used to work and I talked to him, he actually knows that he’s the mayor of Doucheville!
Autumn Sexton
June 17, 2014 11:06 amMy Mom was told that she would never be able to have children.
I was born exactly one month before their first anniversary. 😉
Anna Lind Thomas
June 17, 2014 11:07 amYES!!
Jody
June 17, 2014 1:51 pmI’m failed diaphragm plus spermacide! Totally meant to be 😉
Derfy Dan
June 17, 2014 1:52 pmMy mom likes to tell people she got pregnant with me by falling off a bike. Apparently the trauma of breaking her arm caused her not to have her period for a few months, so when she got her cast off, she asked the doctor when she should expect her period to come back. Surprise!
Anna Lind Thomas
June 17, 2014 9:01 pmLol. So random! I love it.
yellowrosessmilesandtears
June 17, 2014 2:33 pmBRAVO!!!! hysterically and wonderfully written, and all the beauty and truth shine through… causing me to smile and say, “Yeah.”😊
yellowrosessmilesandtears
June 17, 2014 2:53 pmSoon after my husband and I fell in love, he confided in me that he had had a vasectomy in his previous marriage. I was really sad and disappointed….I wanted children in my life, and I had the option to leave.
Lived him more than anything, and decided if God wanted us to have children…WE WOULD. This was in the 70s, we married and soon after, we were introduced to a doctor who was successful in performing this fairly new idea in surgery…vasectomy reversals. My wonderful guy was determined to grant me my wish to become a MOTHER. His surgery was a success…6 months later BINGO!!! I was pregnant….we had our beautiful baby girl….and now happy to say we have three beautiful, wonderful grown daughters. They came because our love believed they would. Thank you for reminding me that MIRACLES DO HAPPEN.
Susannah
June 17, 2014 3:28 pmThis post combined with that tricycle photo is pure epicness….on a side note, I just spit out all kinds of saliva when I caught a glimpse of polygamist Cody with the ironed locks, simply captioned #NOPE. Hilar.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 17, 2014 9:00 pmThank you so much for pointing out the Sister Wives Instagram pic. I was proud of that and laughed real hard at my own joke. 😀
Rochelle Lewallen
June 17, 2014 3:46 pmI was full-on planned. Though, to this day my dad likes to tell me what a terrible plan it was. What saved me was labor pains. My hippy dippy parents thought I could be born at home in the bathtub with no previous medical care. No doctor visits, no prenatals, just a daily dose of natural, ah-hem, herb. As soon as a few real contractions hit my mom said eff that and off to the hospital they went. Fortunately so since upon arrival it was discovered I was Frank breech, bent at the waist trying to come butt first. One emergency c-section later and I was here in all my glory and have no real physical or mental impairments from the, ah-hem, herb.
Anna Lind Thomas
June 17, 2014 9:03 pmHey, I heard a little bit during pregnancy doesn’t hurt! 😉 I read that online though so don’t quote me on that. And so glad they went to the hospital – holy crap!
Sondra Lyn
June 19, 2014 12:56 amBest thing I have read ALL day!! 🙂
Debi Murphy
June 19, 2014 6:57 pmI was “done” having kids in 1982 after my 2nd was born. 12 years later, despite being on the pill and at the end of my marriage I got pregnant with my 3rd. I refused my ex’s demands of an abortion and set my mind to raise the 3 of them by myself. The labor was different… my water broke right away and the cord came out. Scared, I called 911. The paramedic insisted on taking me to the closest hospital instead of the one I wanted. I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what. As they were prepping me for an emergency C-section the doctor explained that my daughter was presenting knee first. She explained that if they didn’t hurry one or both of us could die. When I awoke from the surgery my mother was there crying hysterically so I immediately assumed my baby had died. I began screaming at the nurse to let me see my baby. They brought her out to me and other than a little oxygen deprivation she was perfectly fine. I later found out that during the surgery the anesthesiologist had intubated me incorrectly. The tube entered one lung causing the other to collapse and my heart to stop. Against all odds though we both survived. My little miracle just turned 20 and she is the absolute light of my life! I am thankful every day for all the little things that went just right and allowed both of us to be here.
ditchthebun
June 30, 2014 9:12 pmThat is a crazy, scary and amazing story! I am so glad that it had such a happy ending!!!
Lora
June 19, 2014 10:57 pmYour poor mom. I feel for her. My husband and I were done having kids. We had our two sons and our nice 3 bedroom house. Perfect fit. I had a nice new job. I had been eating right and feeling good. So, here’s where the story starts getting interesting. Due to a previous blood clotting issue that tried to kill me shortly after we got married, I discovered that I do not tolerate hormones. Therefore, we were reliant on alternative methods of birth control. Our method of choice? Condoms. Telling this part of the story makes me look really foolish and there is really no way to explain what happened in a way that makes me appear to be a grown up with a brain. We were “enjoying an evening of marital relations” and I just assumed my ultra responsible hubby was taking care of the contraceptive, as usual. He had gone to the secret dresser drawer and removed the shiny gold wrapped item, as usual. However, as the “marital act” um… came (hee hee) to an end, things felt a bit different. My eyes, closed in ecstasy, suddenly open widely in surprise and I scream, “ARE YOU NOT WEARING A CONDOM?!?” My husband stutters and says, ” I thought we were safe! I thought you knew! You were pulling me in….” I throw him off me and start cussing as I run to the bathroom. “No. We’re not safe! This is the effing perfect time!” I start wracking my brain. What did they say in high school? Douche with Sprite? Douche with vinegar? Heck, douche with effing bleach? Thankfully, I wasn’t brave/stupid enough to actually douche with any of the above fluids, but I really considered it. I did not want to get pregnant! I had an interview for Nurse Practitioner school lined up the following month. Things were just as they should have been. Our family was complete. And, at 36 years old, I didn’t want to be one of those “old moms”. Well, just as expected, considering each of my pregnancies took ONE TIME without a condom, my period was late. I stopped off at a grocery store that I’d never been in, after floating to a far away hospital for work. I bought a diet Mountain Dew, Mac’s Salt and Pepper Pork Rinds (the best pork rinds you’ll ever eat), and a pregnancy test. I stopped at a bathroom and peed on the stick. Son of a GUN! It was positive. I called my husband and he answered the phone with, “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?” Jerk. I cried and cried some more. I sent my mom a picture of the test stick when I got home. She didn’t even call, but came straight over. She ran right in and hugged me and said, “It’ll be alright.” Not the congratulations I was expecting, but I sure needed the reassurance. Turned out, she didn’t want me either! She told me she was devastated when she got knocked up with me! My brothers always told me that my parents didn’t want me, that I was an accident. It was true! My whole life is a lie! But, my mom feebly attempted to assure me that I was indeed a blessing and that the accident that made me was a gift from God. People tell me that my pregnancy with my beautiful daughter was a “God thing.” Though I agree that my daughter is a blessing, I tell them that God really had nothing to do with the irresponsible lack of condom use that night. Jeez, you’d think we’re two horny teenagers in the back of grandma’s Ford LTD. Anyway, to summarize, I desperately did not want to get pregnant with my Lydia, but she fills a hole in our family that we didn’t even realize existed. God has a great sense of humor! I’ll tell you what, though, my first prenatal visit, I signed the papers for the tubal ligation that would happen in the c-section!
Gwen
June 20, 2014 5:16 pmOk , my husband sent this to me because it is so like my own coming-to-be-me story. My sister was 13, my brother 9, my parents took them camping with their best friends who had boys of similar ages. In Maine. Where it is cold on Labor Day weekend. Not tent camping, mind you, but cabin camping. Fast forward to June 7th 1957. I arrive on the scene – my sister and brother’s dismay and early secret plans to dispatch me to some other poor family were unsuccessful. My sister reconciled because it was like having a doll you could dress up. Right up until – as a 16 and 17 year old high school cheerleader – she thought having me as the school mascot (by all accounts I was one hell of a Hornet) would be the cutest EVER… and people thought she was my mother. Really? My mother consistently referred to me as “the nicest mistake she ever had”. I asked her once at age 13 what that meant. She hem hawed and stopped saying that. Later as an adult in my 40’s we attended the funeral of a close friend of hers who was such an influence in my life that we named our daughter after her. In a tipsy moment – me with red wine, mom with Manhattans, I asked her…what did you mean? So the story was, my dad was a bit randy, she didn’t bring her diaphragm and because the nearest convenience store was miles away in the pouring rain, they decided to Go FOR IT.
Enter me… aka IT 🙂
Melanie A.
June 22, 2014 9:33 amMine wasn’t so much surviving conception as the birth. Apparently I needed to make a grand entrance since I was coming in 7 years after my sister and the youngest grandchild. Breech with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck! Thankfully no ill affects…well my friends my say differently lol.
amy anderson
June 23, 2014 11:52 pmI am laughing! Had to share with my husband who chuckled but is still unclear about what a douche really is (other than the singer from Nickleback).
ditchthebun
June 30, 2014 9:17 pmLOL tell him to Google it! 🙂 Preferably at work surrounded by male colleagues hahaha
Kelli T.
June 24, 2014 8:09 am5 stages of grief… LOL so true. I went through this when I found out that what I was sure would be my last baby (and I was excited about the singular of baby) had brought a friend to the party. This was at about 8 weeks when the tech was all like “um, there’s two in there,” and nearly passed out. That elated moment came in time, BEFORE they came out. I’ll tell you what though, if another one overcomes the odds and busts through the tubal I had after them, it dang well better cure cancer or something equally amazing. HA!
Amy
June 24, 2014 8:47 amMy Mom & Dad tried for 5 years to have a baby. Mom had a ton of bleeding and went to the doctor who diagnosed her with endometrial polyps and wanted to do a surgery to remove them. She said no and was so glad she did because she turned out to also be pregnant with me!
amcory
June 30, 2014 2:18 pmLove this – you went in a direction I didn’t expect. I would have been cynical if I found out I was a mistake, and not one final effort for a boy after three girls, aged 18, 17, and 10. Oh, wait, I was…and I am. But you’re right. I should be happy to be alive – mistakenly, but thankfully, alive!
Not quite 40
June 30, 2014 2:32 pmI know someone who can beat all those stories hands down.
Her mother got pre-eclampsia and was going to die unless the baby came out. And the baby was way too early to be born, so it was going to have to be an abortion.
The baby was induced and they were caring for the mother when the baby opened its mouth and cried.
A baby that early should not be able to do that – and apparently her mother always says it was her big mouth that saved her life!
Not many people can say they survived an abortion!
onomatopoeicbliss
June 30, 2014 2:38 pmIma curious if it scarred you for life. What do you do now when someone chases you with a water hose?😁
Anna Lind Thomas
June 30, 2014 2:47 pmTo be honest, I have no idea what you’re talking about – lol.
onomatopoeicbliss
June 30, 2014 2:50 pmOk . . . I was just picturing you as a lil egg, and suddenly this stream of spring freshness comes squirting at you, trying to . . um . . . kill you, and I could see where that might make you a bit {fluid} gun-shy.
Sorry, poor attempt at humor😌
Congrats on FP👊
Anna Lind Thomas
June 30, 2014 2:54 pmAlright – now I’m following – LOL! Thanks for the congrats 😉
libbyborgman
June 30, 2014 3:59 pmI am the product of prom night..so typical of a 16 year old teen mom story from the 80’s! However, I did have to swim out of the condom that wasn’t properly. …uuhhh… ‘in place’.
Nursissistic
June 30, 2014 4:29 pmI, myself, was the conceived only months after my mom had her tubes tied… Guess I should consider doing something great with my life, given the odds, eh?
Anna Lind Thomas
June 30, 2014 4:30 pmYou’re damn right. 😉
Following My Joy
June 30, 2014 5:13 pmReblogged this on Following My Joy and commented:
Love this and so, so TRUE: “No matter how you were conceived – a freak accident or meticulously planned – the fact you’re even here is an unfathomable miracle. We take it for granted because babies are born every day, but it doesn’t make the stats less real.”
joycevandenbergporter
June 30, 2014 5:53 pmI thoroughly enjoyed your writing! I am one of eleven siblings so I doubt my parents used anything, but still glad to be here….
Denise [But First, Live!]
June 30, 2014 5:53 pmsweeeeet! 😀
donofalltrades
June 30, 2014 6:34 pmHahaha, good stuff. I suddenly feel pretty special so thanks for that. Our 3rd and last was a beat the odds blessing from Jesus. I knew the wife was pregnant when I could hear her sobbing through the bathroom door. Lol. I can’t wait to share that with Gman. Oh well. Yay douches!
whenlifeisgood
June 30, 2014 6:38 pmWhat an interesting piece. Congratulations on being FP.
jhdhdbd
June 30, 2014 6:44 pmHi
troismommy
June 30, 2014 6:45 pmThis was a great, funny post. I was actually not saved by a douche. My parents tried to have me and after much longer than they wanted, finally had me. My more interesting story is that I almost died after my third (and final) child was born. And if my husband hadn’t dragged my ass to the ER, I’m not entirely certain I’d still be here today. I was septic and got a nice 5-night stay in the Critical Care Unit of our hospital.
Every now and then I remember that I’ve been given a second chance and think I really need to not squander away this life that was saved.
~Genevieve
theshrubqueen
June 30, 2014 7:23 pmLaughing through the entire post, I am the fourth of four and never got quite the details you did…
mcbarlow5
June 30, 2014 7:36 pmVery funny! And your point that we should make the most of our lives is well taken. Btw I love your hair!
freebiequeen72
June 30, 2014 8:31 pmYou had me busting out laughing with the first sentence. I couldn’t agree with you more! You tell a great story in such a funny way. Then you bring it all home and make us think, I love it. Can’t wait to read more of your posts.
Btw, my mother was wonderful in the fact she didn’t share my conception story, but she loved to share my birth story. I was one of those babies with the umbilical cord wrapped around their neck, and wasn’t breathing. Apparently, I nearly died. The Dr’s say thanks go to my Mom who went au naturel and did LaMaze. She called me her “Miracle Baby” til the day she died. I guess, we’re all miracle babies. 🙂
ditchthebun
June 30, 2014 9:23 pmThis was fantastically written – I loved it!
In my case my parents were desperate to have me, I am the oldest. It was my youngest brother who came as a shock, we had not finished building and moving into a new house, my dad and mum worked all kinds of crazy hours and because they had no driveway as yet they were parking on the road and walking up a steep hill of mud all the time as well as unpacking. Apparently they don’t even remember ‘doing it’, but the Scottish bricklayer that built the place told them all along that all the houses he built the people in them had babies and sure enough pretty much as soon as we moved in my Mum was knocked up. I should probably also give special mention to my two nephews and two nieces… 3 of which were also conceived in that house. Hubby and I have been having huge troubles conceiving… we have just moved in with my parents whilst we are building a new house… fingers crossed the curse continues!!!
faithebear7
June 30, 2014 9:35 pmThis was hilarious and very well-done. Your style reminds me of David Sedaris. Also, your curls are fabulous.
Kristina Harman
June 30, 2014 10:53 pmHahahahahaha the lead singer of nickel back. This is amazing.
Janelle Weibelzahl
June 30, 2014 11:17 pmI was a surprise, too. I don’t know the details, but I know I suffered no lack of love because of it! Your story is hilarious, though. How old were you when your mom told you that?
williamanderson12
July 1, 2014 5:53 ammurder only those sperm which are responcible for the pregnace of the woman under misuseful condition
wakingofthebear
July 1, 2014 7:10 amCongratulations on being Freshly Pressed.
cagey
July 1, 2014 12:51 pmMy mom had already had two children well into teenage years when she got pregnant with a boy, and then miscarried. She fell very ill after this and advised her that future kids would probably end up the same way given her issues and age. Around this time, my dad had a pituitary tumour causing a loss of fertility and a host of other issues. Surgery for this condition in those years was risky, but he managed to survive. Though they said babies were pretty much no longer possible. Well, then I came along 30 years ago managing to overcome such obstacles, including an offered abortion by doctors stunned I even existed at all. *shrugs* We all have something to overcome to get here. ^_^
Just Me
July 1, 2014 1:31 pmReblogged this on 100daysofscribbling and commented:
We have already beaten the odd and that is why we exist, so, why not take that chance, why not send that piece to the editor, why not apply for that promotion. Take a chance because in existing, you are already a winner.
Reblog 2: Anna Lind Thomas writes the most motivating post drawing a parallel with her own life. A beautiful piece that reminded me to look up and realize the significance of our lives.
Do read and find your own meaning in this post.
Many thanks to Anna for a writing this.
New Things!
July 1, 2014 2:26 pmGreat! X
appslotus
July 1, 2014 3:31 pmReblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.
trishamugo
July 1, 2014 4:19 pmThe picture alone had me laughing. The writing is pretty terrific, too.
Cassandra's Tales
July 1, 2014 6:27 pmThanks for the laughs!
Back in the 70s, my mom went to the doctor because she missed her period. Pregnancy was rules out, and the doctor gave her some pills that were supposed to kickstart her cycle.
Horrific cramps–but no period–made her seek a second opinion. Diagnosis? Me!
ChaptersofVajraAnanda
July 1, 2014 7:03 pmThis post is so funny. You have a real knack for humor!
My mum was told at 14 she would never have kids, such was the severity of her Endometriosis. This was also in the 80s when they knew even less about it than they do now. She never used the pill because she was told that even if there was some freak chance she ovulated the egg would never take due to scarring. She met and started dating my my dad when she was 13 so when they stated doing it when they were older she really thought her biggest issue was telling him she would never have kids and him choosing to be with her.
Then at 19 she goes to a doctor because she cant stop vomiting and feeling shitty and she has been told it seems like she is pregnant but the Endometriosis often means her hormones are wack so they have to give her an ultrasound.
Three technicians later, me! and her pregnancy was perfect.
Three years later she has her uterus taken out and while they’re in there they notice the Endometriosis has gone to her ovaries so they have to take those out too. HRT for the rest of her life was a better bet that Endometriosis.. They think to try and harvest ovaries for her in case she wants to have kids later, she was only 22. It doesn’t take them long to notice that none of them are functional.
Whats just as weird? My parents celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary this year.
I never put on lotto. I figured I used all my luck!
ChaptersofVajraAnanda
July 1, 2014 7:08 pmReblogged this on The Stories So Far and commented:
Do you have a cool creation story? Head over and share it here! And catch a few laughs for the day too!
Denny Sinnoh
July 1, 2014 8:29 pmI’m glad you are with us : )
gmatt63
July 1, 2014 11:00 pmToo many times, we try to derive an ought from an is. We’re here. Get over it. Try to do something to make the world remember that you were here. Hey, it beats accounting.
sewnonbackwards
July 2, 2014 1:23 amCannot stop laughing! What a great post. Thanks for this, super-funny and a brilliant message…and just to clarify, I’m really sorry my comment sounds like one of those trite feedback messages you get on eBay when you have just bought the item of your dreams, sent the seller a gushing “thank-you for making my life complete” personal message and he or she responds with. “Thanks. Great customer.” I sincerely mean this comment with more gusto then that! 😉
Desire
July 2, 2014 1:47 amI don’t think there is any meaning to life besides LIFE…… live it full-out every day.
And heyyyy gmatt63 – accounting can be a whole lot fun!
karpalism
July 2, 2014 2:20 amReblogged this on karpalism and commented:
The story of creation… via a douche – or not…
jeansworld1
July 2, 2014 6:41 amThis is such a funny story. Its begotten other little funny stories. Which i am reading. 🙂
roseglace
July 2, 2014 9:13 amWhen I was in grad school one of my ‘colleagues’ was married with three children. At parties and gatherings the children would sometimes be introduced by name and by the type of birth control that had failed: “This is Fred — he’s our IUD baby. This is Irving, he’s foam. This is….”
CJ Love
July 2, 2014 9:56 amYou were meant to be, just as my children were — I was on the pill in the 80s and had two children. Ta da! And I’m so tremendously happy the pill didn’t work. Great article!!
ashokbhatia
July 2, 2014 3:07 pmVery well expressed!
Allow me to share this post with you:
http://ashokbhatia.wordpress.com/2014/02/18/we-the-miracle/
jiibiii
July 2, 2014 3:14 pmSei grande! You are great!
Cathy the Bagg Lady
July 2, 2014 6:27 pmReblogged this on Bagg Lady's Buzz and commented:
My mom gave birth six times. Her first, Bobby, was probably unplanned. The conception of my parent’s first child forced a wedding. My grandparents were embarrassed and displeased, their teenaged children were going to have a baby. Marriage was a requirement especially in the 1950’s. Bobby died shortly after his birth.
My grandparents were relieved. Now an annulment was in order and the embarrassment could be simply washed away.
But God and my parents had different plans. I was planned! I kept my parents married!
My mom carried me for eleven months, as the story goes. What seems medically true is my mother mom conceived, miscarried, and quickly got pregnant again.
My four younger siblings were all conceived while mom used various types of birth control. All of my brothers and sisters fought the odds and were born healthy and loved.
I am the only child my parents planned! I’m happy I beat the odds Anna wrote about.
Cathy the Bagg Lady
July 2, 2014 6:30 pmHi there Anna,
I just wanted you to know I reblogged your post.
Your humor and reality are refreshing.
kashewmc
July 2, 2014 9:46 pmThis is hilarious and heartwarming and the only thing greater then your fantastic writing and tricycle photo is reading through the comments. We’re all miracles. 🙂
Dinoraptor101®
July 2, 2014 11:34 pmWhat an amazing post! and made me realize how valuable and special my life is 🙂 Thank you for being such a wonderful spontanious writer!! keept it up!! subscribed!
fleurosity
July 3, 2014 2:20 amAmazing Post of the miracle of of being alive, that rings so true for me especially. Loved the Humor in the article as well as all the comments with people sharing their stories.
I can relate as I for one was also a miracle baby (I found out just a couple years ago from my sister)… my mom married my dad at 18 and by 34 they had born 10 children and were done (understandably so) so she does what everyone did back in the 70’s, had an IUD (coil back then) inserted. Well… 8 years later, while still on the IUD and at the ripe age of 42 I was conceived. The doctors were concerned about her ability to carry me, she considered and abortion which her sister talked her out of, and after 4 days of labor that almost killed her (literally), she had her first cesarean section that bore me. And here I am today… My sibling came home shocked to find a baby, the two youngest were not to pleased as I unseated them as the last borns and the community (I think to this day) believe i was borne to one of my siblings who was too young to take care of me. My oldest sister is 22 so very plausible. I never take it for granted that I am meant to be here… we all are! 🙂
dlightsom
July 3, 2014 7:33 amReally nice story to remind us all to be grateful for being here no matter the odds. Bu beyond this, its renewing my hope that I would be a mother some day! Thanks for bringing this on. God bless you
krone Africa
July 3, 2014 8:17 amthe message, noted but the piece itself gat me cracking like crazyyyyyyyy.
LVital7019
July 3, 2014 1:26 pmHey, snark can be special! Takes talent to use it effectively… Great post. 😉
kevinsterne
July 4, 2014 1:07 amLoved your opening sentence. I fully support and encourage all nickleback bashing
kiemeri
July 4, 2014 6:58 amWow,lol. My mom was using pills and got. Full period with me and i was here anyways too,lol. Amazing we are! 🙂
shivanischauhan
July 4, 2014 9:42 amloved it 🙂
williamanderson12
July 5, 2014 5:51 amThaNx To The God That You Are Survive OTherWiSe YoU Will Be reined….
meganmaffick
July 5, 2014 8:17 pmWow this is so hilarious! Your creation was a lot funnier than mine. I was the “Bar Baby.” lol! Bravo!
jeremiah8777
July 6, 2014 11:14 amReblogged this on normanjeremaih1 and commented:
George Washington maybe the father of our country but Coke a Cola is the pop
Two British Blondes
July 6, 2014 4:56 pmThis is brilliant! More people should be in awe of people.
StunningWoman84
July 7, 2014 6:30 amOkay this made me laugh! Great story to share.
byounghq168
July 7, 2014 9:46 pmReblogged this on My Open Loft and commented:
What a great reminder to realize how special you are!
rosaelenad
July 8, 2014 6:43 pmgreat story and message
SouthernGal
July 8, 2014 10:59 pmThis is hilarious, for realz! In my opinion, I would rather use spermicide than the pill because it makes you gain weight.
ibjoee
July 9, 2014 12:07 amVery entertaining and joyful!
notneurotic
July 13, 2014 2:31 pmJust read your Fart Story and laughed so hard I cried!! That is too good of a story not to share! Loved it, thank you!
Sola Skywalker
July 14, 2014 1:08 pmI had less amniotic fluid and I almost dried up. I ended up being a preemie and now I’m bigger than my mom. In both height and width (unfortunately).
pratiksd
July 18, 2014 8:01 amWow.. Wonderful.. I liked the switch from funny to serious.. Nice build up to a very inspiring end!!
fleurosity
July 20, 2014 3:39 amReblogged this on Fleurosity and commented:
How miraculously lucky we are to be here… I totally relate, especially since I was one of those who defied the odds, conceived at 42, Eight years after mom had stopped having children… and did I mention she had an IUD in. We all were meant to be here!
martinedijkhuizen
July 23, 2014 3:27 amHahaaa i laughed so hard at this. Thanks.
ShadaeNaturally
July 28, 2014 5:42 amBrought to you by a failed condom & even my heart stopping on the way out!
naomickellogg
August 1, 2014 6:39 pmMy side hurts. This is amazing. I guess there’s truth behind the adage that says, “Reading is fundamental! ” LMBO! Love the tri btw!