Avoid running into the UPS man in your bra, particularly while 9 months pregnant.

Friends. My mom has imparted invaluable advice to me my entire life, however, few have been as remarkable and true as her latest gems. As we moved from a downtown loft to our new home, she said, “It’s a lot harder to hide from people in a house when you don’t want to answer the door. Be sure to get dressed first thing in the morning or you’ll get caught looking like a hobo.”

 
If only I would have taken her advice seriously, I wouldn’t be feeling so vulnerable right now.
 
Old habits are hard to break and getting dressed before noon is one of them. As a work from home mom with my first baby (and about to blow out my second), walking around like a slob at all hours is a right I not only cherish, but take seriously. However, I now live in a home where windows surround my front door, and my couch is in full view as you peer through said door. I’d like to say my run in with the UPS man was my only negative experience, but I’ve actually had several.
 
The kid who mows our lawn caught me in my pajamas (and not the cute kind) – 3 separate times. The guy repairing a loose brick caught me in a robe, that at 9 months pregnant, is only pretending to close. And recently, the UPS man caught me, well … I don’t want to talk about it.
 
Fine, I will.
 
Another feature of our home is that the staircase is at the front door. If you happen to be undressed and need an essential item either upstairs or downstairs, your best course of action is to peek around the corner and then run for your life.
 
I had just gotten out of the shower in our upstairs bedroom when I realized my favorite (read: only) nice fitting pregnancy bra was hanging up in the laundry room downstairs. Without many options, I grabbed a towel, covered myself best I could and then peered down the stairs to make sure no one was at the door. When the coast was clear I sprinted (read: hobbled) down the stairs and ran into the laundry room where I promptly put on my bra. Now, with a full coverage miracle worker and a bare belly that’s big enough carry Shaquille O’Neal, I made my way back upstairs to finish getting dressed. I don’t know if I was just cocky, or distracted, but I neglected to peer around the corner to check the front door. As I headed around the corner, it happened. A UPS man, looking through my window with a box in his hands, was standing before me. I stopped abruptly and we locked eyes. My first instinct was to remain perfectly still like he can’t see me as if he’s a T-Rex or something. When I was certain that wasn’t working, I slowly and deliberately walked backwards. He slowly and deliberately squatted to set the box down. As I turned the corner, backwards, I embraced the wall behind me, open mouth breathing fairly heavily, waiting to hear the truck pull away. Then he rang the doorbell, as if to say, “Let’s pretend this never happened and I have no idea your 9 month pregnant ass isn’t hiding from me half naked” and walked briskly towards his truck. As he pulled away, I ran for my life up the stairs (read: hobbled) and quickly threw on a shirt.
 
I called my husband unsure of how he’d react. “Oh great, the UPS man got more action than I have in months.”
 
True.
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One Comment on “Avoid running into the UPS man in your bra, particularly while 9 months pregnant.

  1. Ugh, been there.

    I took a naked nap one afternoon last summer when our power was out (I live in Houston! I couldn’t deal!), and I woke up to find that my fiancé had opened the windows and my neighbor was standing outside them watering her plants. I slid slowly down the edge of the bed, trying to avoid sudden moments so she wouldn’t see me… but just as my toes reached the floor, our eyes locked. I crashed to the floor and army-crawled to safety.

    Her kids don’t trick-or-treat at my house anymore.

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