The Reason I Don’t Have Children

I’ve hesitated to write about this for a long time. Not because I didn’t want to – in fact I’ve really wanted to. I suppose I just didn’t know how to go about it or when would be a good time. When bad things happen, as a humor writer, it can be hard to navigate when or how to address the painful times in life.

Last year, HaHas for HooHas received 2nd place from Red Tricycle for the funniest parenting website (Honest Toddler won first, because – duh). It was a crazy honor and I’m still stoked about the nomination.

While it was important for me that the site was simply a funny website for women covering everything from marriage to PMS, parenting can be the most fun topic for us to talk about, simply because so many of our fans can relate and respond mightily to a good self-depricating parenting joke.

That’s why a lot of people have been surprised to find out I’m not a mom.

I’ve never talked about why I’m not a mom yet, but I feel good sharing now.

The answer in short – miscarriages.

Four years ago, Rob and I became pregnant. Since it was our first pregnancy, we were on top of the world. We were naive that sometimes things can go wrong and assumed we would have a newborn in our arms in 9 months time.

At about 7 weeks, I went to the bathroom at the grocery store.  I gasped when I sat down. Blood. Lots of it. I went home and miscarried during the night, one week before my first doctor’s appointment.

Of course, we were devastated, but we also felt encouraged. My closest friends and family came forward to talk about their miscarriages. There was the one that came before the twins, or right before their oldest son was born. My doctor assured me in a very loving way, that miscarriages are simply our body’s way to reset when things aren’t developing properly. Typically chromosomal, sometimes the head isn’t developing or the stomach. In some situations, this can be a blessing.

After I took some time to mourn the loss, I decided I didn’t want to try again right away. I had just left California along with a very fulfilling job and had just received my Master’s degree. We were settling into our new home and I thought perhaps instead of rushing into starting a family, I needed to pay attention to this constant nagging feeling that tapped me on the shoulder rhythmically throughout the day.

The tapping intentionally annoyed me to seek out my purpose.

I was having a bran muffin at a bakery below our apartment when I was struck with a crazy idea. A silly thought particularly for someone who was on the road to being an academic in higher education. I thought maybe, just maybe, I should just go for what I’ve always wanted to do, but never took seriously. Humor writing. Maybe I could just go for it. What was there to lose?

One month after my miscarriage, I created my first HaHas for HooHas eCard.

I'll-Do-My-Best-660

No surprise I went with a maxi pad with a top hat, AMIRITE?

I just started creating, dreaming, laughing and having fun. I’m confident starting HooHas would never have occurred to me had I not miscarried. That doesn’t mean I’m thankful for the loss, it simply means I’m thankful how life continued to move with purpose despite it.

Our intent was to get pregnant again, but to give me a cushion to start my writing and begin something that might – just might – get some traction.

Well, if traction can be defined as Miley Cyrus riding into my life straddling a wrecking ball, then that’s pretty much what happened. Except less Miley and more period jokes. It took about a year for me to feel at a place where I could balance a pregnancy and this new beast I created with my best friend from college.

Once we felt ready, I became pregnant again. At my 8 week appointment (a new milestone I hadn’t reached before) I expressed some fear because I had been lightly spotting. My doctor did an exam and discovered the bleeding was coming from something unrelated and had nothing to do with the pregnancy.

“You’re totally fine!” she assured me. “Now, let’s go take a peek at that baby!”

We entered the ultrasound room and as I anxiously waited to see something, anything on the screen, the tech found absolutely nothing. My doctor looked confused and instructed the tech to keep digging, searching, bending – moving. There was nothing.

“Well, we’re either off on your dates, which is totally possible,” she tried to assure me, “or this could be an ectopic pregnancy.”

I’ll cut to the chase – it was ectopic.

I can tell you from experience, when you fall into the 2% percentile of something, statistics become meaningless to you. If someone says there’s a 1 in 1,000,000 chance you’ll die from a tree randomly falling on your head, you start to get real skittish around some pines.

Typically with an ectopic pregnacy you must go through a D&C and a brutal chemo shot (although, nothing compared to what cancer patients endure) to stop the cells from growing outside of your uterus. Obviously, it was all devastating and felt completely unreal.

Like many women, the minute I see a positive pregnancy test, I begin dreaming. I chart the due dates and share the news with my closest friends and family. Sometimes the feeling of loss is more complicated than the loss of the pregnancy. It’s also the loss of a dream. The loss of hope for what had been created and now is gone.

But, there was a part of me thankful to be alive. As I mourned the loss of another dream for our baby, I was also incredibly thankful that I wasn’t back in the prairie days milking old Bessie like it’s just another day on the farm, only to die instantly from an ectopic pregnancy I had no idea was growing in my body.

I was sad, yet thankful for modern technology and early intervention. I truly believed that one day, when I held my biological or adopted child in my arms, I could reap a sense of meaning from it all.

purpose-moves-quote

After the ectopic pregnancy, I needed time to heal mentally and physically. The stress of HooHas was building and we were gaining momentum, with conferences and video opportunities rising. It took about 7 months for us to fully try again.

Once I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was a little more realistic (which could have been easily mistaken for pessimism), but had a hopeful “third time’s a charm” feeling about things. Now that I had an ectopic, my chances of having another went up from 2% to 20%, so as I was instructed to do after finding out I was pregnant again, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor right away to confirm it wasn’t another ectopic.

At around 6 weeks they took a peek. They were able to see healthy gestational and yolk sacs. I was elated. Everything seemed right on course, except for the fact it appeared I was closer to 5 weeks.

“Not a big deal,” my doctor assured me. “We can never be sure when you actually ovulated, so it’s quite common to have your days off like this.” My doctor gave me a big congratulatory hug and I left hopeful, but I had a nervous feeling. I knew exactly when I ovulated. My dates weren’t off. Deep down, I had a sense it was all doomed, but I wanted the hope that this time the pregnancy would make it, so I buried the sense of knowing.

At the 8 week appointment, I was a bag of nerves. In the waiting room a woman asked if I was pregnant wearing a huge grin and I wanted to just say, “Nope, just another pap with my hubby!” But I told her I was and she congratulated us, asking us loads of questions and even giving us advice. I would have felt much happier talking to her if I didn’t have a cloud over my head like the Zoloft ball, but of course I just stayed polite and let her have happiness for us.

Our name was called from the ultrasound tech and it didn’t take long to discover what I already knew. The sac was starting to break apart and it was evident I was going to miscarry again. It was the first time Rob really showed public emotion. He was combative and argumentative to the tech and then to the doctor that had stepped in, as ours had left earlier in the day for a family emergency. I was quiet and resigned. I had already known. I calmed him down, just by gently touching his arm and we left without too many words between us on the ride home.

Mourning is a tricky thing. Sometimes we don’t feel entitled to it when there is so much suffering in the world. I felt a sense of gratitude that if I had to lose my pregnancies, at least I lost them early. I know women who have experienced more miscarriages than three in a row, miscarriages far later in pregnancy, even stillborns and giving birth to babies that don’t make it past their first birthday. I didn’t feel worthy of mourning too heavily in some ways and completely entitled to unfriending my church friend who posted their pregnancy announcement via cute ultrasound picture on Facebook the minute I got home from the doctor. (I didn’t, but I really, really wanted to.)

The truth is, all of our traumas and tragedies matter just as they are, independently of others. I rode out my despair exactly as I needed to.

Despite everything, being the main writer of a humor site while all three of the miscarriages happened might have been the hardest thing I’ve had to navigate. There were moments where I was almost bitter from the pressure to be “funny” during such a horrific time.

And of course, that is ridiculous. I was bitter about feeling like I had to be funny – a requirement and pressure I put on myself. I didn’t have to be funny at all. I could do whatever I wanted. I could curl up in a ball and watch Property Brother reruns with a gallon of mint chip ice cream if I freaking wanted to. This is my life, people!

It’s completely up to me whether I can or want to show up to create today or not. In fact, I probably could have taken a week off posting on HooHas and only a handful of people would have even noticed. But, oddly enough, I needed it as much as I resented it. Some of my most popular work was written shortly after the miscarriages.

Humor, in the oddest places it can be hidden, embraced me. Humor doesn’t make light of loss, but for me, it makes me feel human and hopeful. It reminds me that I will survive it. I will continue to feel joy.

I remember when a friend of mine was going through a divorce. A Kenyan nun who worked in the office with us stopped by her desk and said, “Tonight, the sun will fall. But tomorrow? Tomorrow it will rise again,” and she walked away quietly. My friend smiled politely, but I sat there quivery lipped with a solitary tear. What she said was a cliched phrase I heard a million times, but this time it meant something profound to me.

It’s always tempting to become bitter and think, “Why me?”

But really, why not me?

The miscarriages are a part of my life. They are a part of my story whether I like it or not. I have tremendous faith that not a single one was in vain. They happened, so why not create something positive? Can I encourage someone? Can I love them? Can I hold a hand? Can my losses make someone else not feel so alone? Then my purpose moves even during the impossible moments when I don’t think I can.

I’m drawn to the idea that with faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains.

Screen Shot 2014-06-25 at 2.27.15 PM

Mustard seeds are awfully tiny.

What’s your mountain? It can all feel so insurmountable. We can all feel so unprepared. We can feel dejected, beaten down, victimized and find ourselves in the 2% of the unlikeliest of tragedies.

And yet, our purpose moves through it. Our purpose moves despite of it. And if we’re paying attention, we can look back and weep from the gratitude that we’re still standing. Still laughing. We aren’t defeated. No, our faith picked us up and we moved to places we couldn’t dream were possible until now.

And sometimes, miracles happen. Stay tuned for a post up on HooHas, tomorrow.

Update: For tomorrow’s post, go here

 

If you’ve suffered from miscarriages and looking for resources, I’ve heard great things about Unspoken Grief.  For infertility, visit Still Standing.

 

Advertisements

102 Comments on “The Reason I Don’t Have Children

  1. I’m so sorry. I’ve had one late miscarriage myself (4 months in) . Darn near lost my daughter as well….stupid incompetent cervix.
    I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s an emotional pain no one can understand until it happens to them.

    I look forward to your announcement though 🙂

  2. I had a miscarriage between my first and second sons, and everyone kept telling me at least I already had one healthy baby… I don’t know if it made it easier or not, but it was still awful and painful and sad. I got pregnant again (on the pill) less than three months later, before I’d really even processed the loss, and never really exhaled until the baby was born… Now I’m pregnant with #3 and I think only people who’ve lost a baby can understand why I can’t just relax. I’ve seen the ultrasound with a healthy heartbeat and they’ve told me that everything looks great, but I still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop…

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your grief and difficulties. There are no words to explain the mourning that happens within one single women at the loss suffered from a miscarriage.

  4. .Wow! You just told my story. I am sitting here with the tears flowing. I had only been married 6 months (at the ripe old age of 21) I was not too good at taking my birth control pill on a daily basis. I seriously thought I had the stomach flu. We had never really discussed having children. I guess we just assumed that one day we would. That is what good old-fashioned southern girls do. I wasn’t even sure if I liked kids. The stomach flu turned out to be morning sickness that lasted all day, every day for 3 months. Finally the big day came. A baby…a healthy baby boy, who is now 33 years old. I was in love! We grew up together. I am still in love. And I found out that I LOVE kids. They are magical! When my son was 4, we began to try for another baby. (Pray, God answers prayers. you can even be specific…Please Lord, I want a healthy baby girl) Easy right? I got pregnant pretty quick. I miscarried pretty quick too. And thus became years of elation, followed by sadness. 5 x to be exact. My son was very involved in sports & I coached cheerleading. I was always with kids. And I loved it! Every one in our community knew how desperately I wanted another child. I lost 3 of my pregnancies at the ball fields. My friends were cautious about sharing their pregnancies…they did not want to shove it in my face. (They weren’t, but it was hard sometimes) Baby showers were a nightmare. ( Should they invite me??? They were so worried about hurting me) I did not go to baby showers. I always sent a fabulous gift along with the “I am so sorry I cannot attend, but I have a prior engagement. This “prior engagement” was a bottle of wine & lots of Kleenex. A pity party. Then I would put on my bravest game face. And I really was happy for all my friends. We gave up & quit trying. The emotional toll was just way to heavy. 15 years later, the auto-button on my coffee maker turned on, just as it had every single day. This time was different…the smell…UGH. This was followed by other small ailments. It really did not even occur to me that all these ailments were the early signs of pregnancy. YES, at the age of 36 I was Pregnant. We did not share this news with anyone. The days turned into weeks. We were cautiously optimistic. At 22 weeks, the ultra-sound revealed that my baby was healthy & right on track. It also revealed that my unborn child was a GIRL! The joy was indescribable! Friends & Family threw huge baby showers. Our friends at the ball fields were erupting with happiness. I continued to coach. Life is so sweet. My daughter…finally! She was & continues to be perfect. I am now a grandmother (Grammy) to two incredibly amazing children…Charlee who is 4, is in a cheer gym daily (her mom is a cheer coach) Rikki is 18 months. He was overdosed with personality. He is the happiest little baby I have ever known. There is no way to describe how deeply a miscarriage hurts. It’s hard to identify the loss. You really can’t explain the grief. It is deep & profound. It HURTS! Unless you have suffered this loss, you will never have a true understanding of this horror. What I know for sure is that God has a plan HIS timing & ours are not always on the same page. I know that HE answers our prayers. We, who have lost our unborn babies, are compassionate, strong & humble. We don’t take our healthy babies for granted. We have a sisterhood. We hurt & grieve for each other. We don’t know each other, we are bound together by grief & grace. And we pray for each other like others can’t. There really isn’t a category you can put us in. But we understand each other. Our husbands can’t ever really comprehend how deeply our souls hurt. So to each of you who have commented on this story…especially our author…You, my sisters in grief, my sisters in Jesus Christ, I am praying. You are deeply engraved on my heart. You are not alone. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out. ~Angie

    • What a story! I cried! I only had one loss and such short struggles compared to some. But your story touches my heart! ❤

  5. I never expected to get pregnant on the pill. Found myself pregnant at 42. Unfortunately I lost the baby officially Christmas Eve of last year at 7 weeks only to go to a gathering where there was a newborn that was just released from the hospital to the mother that drank heavily and took excessive amounts of prescription pain pills during the pregnancy. Needless to say I was very angry at her and devastated all in one. It took me some time to work through the loss. I can’t imagine going through it 3 times. Thank you for sharing.

  6. Thank you so much for sharing such personal and painful experiences. I love reading your posts as they always make me laugh, even when I’m having a tough day. Reading your post today, I cried for you and your husband and the heartache you have gone through. I love that you are holding on to your faith through these times. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers as well and we can both have faith that God has wonderful plans for you.

  7. I’ve never really spoken about my miscarriage. I hadn’t really wanted children but my husband did. I agreed to try. I knew exaactly when I became pregnant. No doubt in my mind that it had happened. Smells were awful. Riding in the back seat of a car became nauseating. My breasts were so swollen and were sensitive to even wearing a bra. I didn’t say anything until I was far enough along to take a pregnancy test. My husband was thrilled. He was so excited and I too was happy in a guarded kind of way because I knew that this pregnancy would change everything. We went to the OB/GYN and found out the due date was April 1 (really? what a terrible joke). The following weekend we went out of town for three days to a convention. When we got home I found that I had started spotting, nothing too bad, but spotting nonetheless. I called the doctor and was reassured that it isn’t uncommon but to set up an appointment the following day. Everything looked fine. He took some blood to make sure but didn’t act too worried. I got the call the following day that the hcg levels indicated that I had miscarried. I asked how they knew and was told that the numbers were a bit low. I wanted to know what the number was and what it should have been. He never told me what it should have been. I found that out later but the actual number for me at this point was 34. A successful pregnancy at six weeks should have been in the thousands, but mine was 34. Thirty-four. For someone who didn’t necessarily even want to be pregnant the blow this dealt me was devestating. I could barely tell my husband what the doctor said, let alone my Mom and sister who were both baby making machines. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. We didn’t share this information with too many people. I couldn’t handle the sympathy. It was all too much. Shortly thereafter I was approached by an acquaintance that was six months preganant asking me when I was going to start my family. She didn’t know. It wasn’t intentional but I felt like I had been kicked in the heart all over again. To this day she doesn’t know. I wouldn’t want her to feel badly about something she had no way of knowing. I now have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. My own matched set. But come every April I wonder who that little one would have been.

  8. Oh, honey. This really spoke to me. I just want to wrap you up in the biggest hug. My first pregnancy was ectopic. My tube ruptured, and if not for the “miracle of modern medicine,” I would have died. My next two were miraculous baby girls, and when we got pregnant again last year, I felt overly confident that nothing would happen. I’d been through enough, right? Wrong. I miscarried at 11 weeks, long after a strong heartbeat had been detected. And to make matters worse, my father died suddenly two weeks later. I SO appreciate you sharing your story and your inspirational message. You’re not alone, and you let us know that we’re not either. Thank you.

  9. Anna, If you never ever bear a child, know that the child of your mind, your Hoohas blog is as much of a creation from your hands as a child would be from your womb. It contains as much of your personality, humanity and charm as it would if it was filled with your own DNA. It touches more people’s hearts than ever a person could if he spent 360 days of the year flying around the world. You have already left your mark in this world and it will be here as long as the internet exists. Although you can’t hold it in your arms, you will receive such love in return for the gift of yourself you give to others. All you need do is turn on the computer.

    Oh, and did I mention, you also avoid spit up, dirty diapers, the terrible twos and the nasty teenage years?

    Bonus!

  10. After 4 losses I had a healthy baby girl, and after two more losses, I have had a boy and another girl! Still no medical explanation of why, but the loss has made me a better mom. Prayers!

  11. I have never spoken about this until now. I too had 3 failed pregnancies with one being an ectopic. I used humor also to get me through. I don’t know why I am posting this now. I believe everything happens for a reason. I was there where you are. Went to tons of specialists & infertility doctors over 10 years. Tons of tests, poked, proded, etc. Then two miscarriages and finally the ectopic. After I found out, I had an ectopic pregnancy, which was so far along I needed emergency surgery because my tube was starting to rupture. I was at a place in my mind where I just wanted a child. I told the doctor he could not remove the tube/pregnancy. My husband had to sign the authorization for emergency surgery because I was so upset I wouldn’t do it.
    I read the comments above and I too received a ton of advice from people who had miscarriages. What they didn’t understand is yes they went through the pain of the miscarriage but they had a biological child. People were always trying to comfort me this way and honestly it did nothing to comfort me because they were holding their child. I know what it feels like to yearn for your own child that has your nose, or maybe your eyes. It is a pain that goes deep and is confounded by the pain of loss that your body is not like everyone else.
    I have a 6 year old that we adopted at birth. Do not get me wrong, he is a huge blessing and brings me joy daily. He did not grow in my belly but he grew in my heart. Most people have no idea he is adopted. There is no difference with the way I feel about him. However, the yearning for that biological child never leaves. It is a pain that dulls over time but always throbs within you.
    My advice and this is something that I learned the hard way, is talk with your husband. Men feel they need to be strong for you and they are hurting just as much as you. I didn’t figure that out until it was too late.

  12. I’m sorry about your troubles. Many woman can relate to you. I don’t know why, but many woman are struggling with that. Even more surprising, is how many woman who can’t even conceive or ovulate (let alone get a period!) Keep trying to have faith. You are going to be a great mother some day!

  13. Your story is sad but the courage with which you have endured it is beautiful and uplifting.

    I, myself, don’t have children, but my mom actually had a miscarriage. She was carrying twins and only one of them, my sister, survived. My mom always told us that she knew exactly when she lost the baby, she was walking across her college campus when suddenly, she began to feel excruciating pain in her stomach.

    Upon a doctor’s visit, it was discovered that she had lost one of her twins. Even though she already had three children, she was devastated. Even today, when all of her children are gathered together, there are four of us, in the van or somewhere, she’ll look back at us and say, “Are we missing someone?”

    Miscarriages have the power to damage the soul, to make one rage against God and against life. But you didn’t do that and that takes a strength of will that I feel privileged to behold.

    God bless you. Whether it’s with children if you want, with peace, with love and joy. I just hope that He blesses you.

  14. I’m so sorry but I’m glad you found a wonderfully healthy way to cope. My mother wanted a whole houseful of children and out of 10 pregnancies, I’m the only survivor. She went through 9 miscarriages before I came along. So, when I was first pregnant, I was terrified. I had 3 miscarriages before I was able to have my girls and on each anniversary of my miscarriages before my girls were born, my pity-parties were spectacular. Turns out that my mother has a ridiculously high platelet count that was passed on to me. It was blocking nutrients to the baby and starving them. Unfortunately, they didn’t know to look for such things in the 70’s & 80’s. My problem was fixed by taking a baby asprin every day after I learned I was pregnant to thin out my blood just enough so things kept moving. I’ll send you all the positive energy I can muster because I know you’d make an awesome mother!

  15. I am right in the middle of all of this myself. I have never had a problem getting pregnant, first time we tried, every time. But our first son was born with several severe heart defects, bad enough that the doctors told us surgery wasn’t an option, just take him home and love him until the inevitable happens and he passes away. At first they gave him 2-3 days, then 2-3 weeks. Well, he turned 13 a couple months ago! We still don’t know what his future will be like, but who does I guess.

    We have had three perfectly healthy children since then, but I have always been a complete mess until the 18 week ultrasound where they check the heart.

    Then two years ago I got pregnant again. I miscarried at 7 weeks. I knew that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, so I figured it was my 5th pregnancy, I was due, right? I was sad, but was able to put it behind me and we tried again 4 months later. I got pregnant right away, and I was extremely nervous that first trimester, but I made it through. Once I got past 12 weeks I thought I was in the clear, everything was looking great, but when I went in for a regular checkup at 16 weeks there was no heartbeat, by the measurements my little boy had died the day before. Because I was so far along I couldn’t have a d&c, I actually had to be induced and go through the whole birth process. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

    It was shocking to me how different my emotions were between the two miscarriages. I basically became a hermit, I stayed home, didn’t ever answer the phone and tried to deal with my grief. It was a very difficult, dark time.

    But here’s the thing, I have always imagined 5 kids, always. I come from a small family, but since I was little I have always wanted 5 kids. I think part of what made the second miscarriage so hard was it seemed like I was not going to have the family I imagined my whole life, I was grieving the dream as much as the actual baby.

    It took a year and a half, but I finally got to the point where I wanted to try one last time. I am almost 40 and am running out of time. And it worked, immediately, as always. And today I am 27 1/2 weeks along with a little girl. But I am still terrified. I haven’t even been able to start getting the baby stuff out, I did that last time and then had to put it all back away having not used it. I guess I am just trying to protect myself, but even I know that isn’t really possible. But hopefully, in 12 weeks or so, I will have her here. We still don’t have a name for her, but there is a good chance it will be Hope.

  16. …..to everything there is a purpose. Don’t remember how I found your blog, but so glad I did. Thank you for sharing your journey….can be a jagged road sometimes, can’t it? Now I need to go get a tissue and clean up the mascara running down my cheeks.

  17. I have had 3 ectopics – should have died the first time from the rupture (actually did die on the table and lost 4/5ths of the blood in my body) – 2nd one they caught and repaired the tube – 3rd was a rupture again and a Dr that didn’t believe I could really be bleeding internally – fortunately I believed and went from the Navy Clinic to the Naval Hospital and an intern performed the necessary tests and obviously, I survived…now – 30 years later I can honestly say, the old saying, if not this, then something better is waiting for you – my life would have certainly been different had I been able to have children – but I went off on adventures I would not have otherwise have had and I now have a lifelong dream with a herd of horses many of which are rescues and I support wounded warriors and challenged children (Special Olympics and all manner of physical and mental and emotional challenges) and I am blessed with lots of wonderful children and people in my life that I provide services to at no charge who would otherwise not have the opportunity to ride and work with horses…and had I had my own kids, I likely would never have been able to do this….so no regrets – life did not turn out the way I thought it would, but it has been and continues to be a wonderful adventure and I count my blessings everyday. Thank you for sharing your story

  18. I’m sorry for your loss. I have miscarried twice. One of them I did not find out until I had my daughter that she was twins. Because of that my daughter was almost a still born. All good things come in due time. God will know when your .ready. and it will all the sudden happen. I. was not supposed to be able to have any more children after her but found out I was 3 months pregnant when she was 11 months old. Your body may have not been prepared .yet. I .live your .story. You’ll be OK through all of our pain and sorrow there will be something to. be joyous of

  19. I felt every feeling that you experienced. My story is similar, as during the first year of my marriage to my current (and freaking last) husband, we suffered 2 miscarriages. The emotional pain is so much more devastating than the physical pain. To want something so much you can feel it. Worse, the fact that your sister had just had a stillborn and hated you because you were pregnant and told the world that you didn’t deserve a child. To hope, to believe that everything will be fine with the 2nd pregnancy, only to be walking down the hall at the office and feel that sharp stab of pain that brings you to the chair in the nearest office. I had given up. It was not meant for me to have more children. Furthermore, my husband wasn’t meant to be a father. Horrible feelings of anger and jealousy toward anyone who was lucky enough to have that round belly. Then, 3 months later, another missed period, another pregnancy test. Positive. Don’t get too excited, we’ve been here before. OBgyn started hormone treatments immediately and I carried her to almost full term. Two years later, surprise it’s another girl. Then 18 months later (look at us go with our fertile selves), again, only this time….it’s a boy AND a girl! Twins! We have been so very blessed!! Looking back over the 10 years we have been married and all of that we have overcome, the hurt and pain, the joy, the whining, the diapers, the fighting…..God has a reason for everything, and everything must be in His time. Trust in Him. Congrats to you Anna! You are going to make an AWESOME mother!!

  20. I’ve been a faithful reader for a year or so now and I always thought that you’d make a great mom and wondered if you were thinking about having kids. Thank you for sharing your story and also thank you for making me laugh when my heart was breaking. In the last year I have been pregnant three times but still never made it past 7 weeks. Congratulations on the little one who is now even bigger than a mustard seed! 🙂

  21. Wow.. So powerful. Like many others I too have a story. My husband and I got married young (I was 19, he was 21) but decided to wait a little bit to start a family (which we knew we always wanted). Well at 24 I found out I was pregnant and we couldn’t have been happier! But, at 7 weeks I started spotting. I called my dr and he said “oh that’s normal but come in just to be certain so you don’t have to worry all weekend” (it was Friday). He found the baby, but no heartbeat and he/she was measuring 6 weeks. He took my blood and said he would recheck Monday. Well they went up 3,000 points and things were looking promising! He said we would have a follow up ultrasound the next Monday. Twi days later was my husbands birthday, followed by my dads. I spotted that whole week and I just knew in my heart that the baby wasn’t ok. After the longest weekend of my life, we went in to have the follow up ultrasound (one day shy of 9 weeks) on October 31, 2011. The tech said the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, and no heartbeat. The doctor said he would give me 24 hours to decide if I wanted my body to miscarry naturally or have a d & c. My body chose for me and I miscarried later that afternoon at home with my husband. After the devastating loss, we wanted to try again right away. Well God had other plans. Fast forward to May of 2013 after 4 rounds of clomid, we were on a family vacation in Florida. For some reason, going to all the Disney parks, aquariums, and universal studios, I never had baby envy (like I usually constantly had). I kept getting sick on any ride I would go on and cried because I missed my dog. I also was watching the lion king at midnight because my husband turned it on then promptly fell asleep. Something Rafiki said really stuck with me… “Yes the past hurts, but the way I see it, you can either run from it… Or learn from it”. I needed to learn from my past and quit feeling sorry for myself, live my life, and just trust God. I took a test as soon as we got home from our trip and it was positive! I did have spotting that was cured with progesterone, but overall a good pregnancy. Now as I sit here writing this while nursing my daughter Henley Hope (born 1-14-14), I couldn’t be more grateful or thankful to God for this blessing. Her middle name came from the journey we went on to have her. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you truly are an inspiration!

  22. Wow.. So powerful. Like many others I too have a story. My husband and I got married young (I was 19, he was 21) but decided to wait a little bit to start a family (which we knew we always wanted). Well at 24 I found out I was pregnant and we couldn’t have been happier! But, at 7 weeks I started spotting. I called my dr and he said “oh that’s normal but come in just to be certain so you don’t have to worry all weekend” (it was Friday). He found the baby, but no heartbeat and he/she was measuring 6 weeks. He took my blood and said he would recheck Monday. Well they went up 3,000 points and things were looking promising! He said we would have a follow up ultrasound the next Monday. Twi days later was my husbands birthday, followed by my dads. I spotted that whole week and I just knew in my heart that the baby wasn’t ok. After the longest weekend of my life, we went in to have the follow up ultrasound (one day shy of 9 weeks) on October 31, 2011. The tech said the baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, and no heartbeat. The doctor said he would give me 24 hours to decide if I wanted my body to miscarry naturally or have a d & c. My body chose for me and I miscarried later that afternoon at home with my husband. After the devastating loss, we wanted to try again right away. Well God had other plans. Fast forward to May of 2013 after 4 rounds of clomid, we were on a family vacation in Florida. For some reason, going to all the Disney parks, aquariums, and universal studios, I never had baby envy (like I usually constantly had). I kept getting sick on any ride I would go on and cried because I missed my dog. I also was watching the lion king at midnight because my husband turned it on then promptly fell asleep. Something Rafiki said really stuck with me… “Yes the past hurts, but the way I see it, you can either run from it… Or learn from it”. I needed to learn from my past and quit feeling sorry for myself, live my life, and just trust God. I took a test as soon as we got home from our trip and it was positive! I did have spotting that was cured with progesterone, but overall a good pregnancy. Now as I sit here writing this while nursing my daughter Henley Hope (born 1-14-14), I couldn’t be more grateful or thankful to God for this blessing. Her middle name came from the journey we went on to have her. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you truly are an inspiration and a huge, huge congrats on your baby news!!!

  23. Hi,
    A friend of mine sent this to me as I have been where you are. I had 6 early term miscarriages. With lots of testing and failed infertility treatments I was diagnosed with MTFHR- double mutation. As soon as I became pregnant I would start heparin shots and everyday prior to a positive test and throughout take 500mg folic acid. We had a little girl after 4 years total of searching for answers and lots of tears. Followed by her birth we had 2 more miscarriages and 4 years later another little girl. Our faith and marriage was strengthened throughtout everything. I found I was my best advocate and learned so much about myself. I will be keeping up with your journey and pray for you. It’s become a part of my prayers to pray for those struggling with infertility. Keep doing what you’re doing. You make such a difference to others.
    In His Peace,
    C Stewart

  24. Thanks for sharing your story, I’m 34 and after 2 brain surgeries at the age of 23 I was told that I couldn’t get pregnant.Because of the tumors and the fact that they had already bled so much (they couldn’t remove them completely without killing me)and the changes a woman’s body goes through during pregnancy, my body would not survive a pregnancy and likely the child wouldn’t make it either. I love children, I’ve been told so frequently that I would make a wonderful mother,that I’m so great with kids. . . When am I going to have some kids of my own. I’ve had people tell me that what the doctors say doesn’t mean anything. . . That it’s b*ullsh*t. . . and I should try to get pregnant, it’s heartbreaking for me. Having people say thing like that when really they don’t know what they’re talking about. I’ve gotten many 2nd opinions from different doctors, the answer hasn’t changed. I often feel conflicted about the grief that I feel at times, Do I even have the right to grieve the loss of what never was? I feel very lucky to have survived the surgeries, but I have hesitated to marry my partner of 12 years because I can’t give him or anyone else children. I’m afraid that he will end up resenting me because I can’t have kids. It is something that most people don’t understand, but for me it’s difficult to see my friends having babies and how easily people forget and ask me… so when are you going to have children. .. it’s like a knife in the gut. Though our stories are very different, you’ve made me feel not so alone. So thank you and good luck!

  25. I’m sorry for your losses. I myself have had 3 miscarriages. 2 sets of twins and a singleton. I know it’s hard. Prayers that your current pregnancy is a happy and healthy one!

  26. Pingback: I’m Writing a Book! Fingers Crossed it Doesn’t Suck, Everyone! | Anna lind thomas

  27. I have a good friend who had several miscarriages but she also has 4 beautiful children. Truthfully I am not sure whether to say 4 or 3. Her oldest passed away shortly after her 18th birthday from cancer but she still a large part of their lives. She was truly a beautiful young woman and a fighter to the end. The point is, even with miscarriages you are still able to have your own children. There are experts who can make that happen. Don’t give up hope.

  28. As a mom of twins who also had struggles in my journey, this one line sums it up so perfectly – “And if we’re paying attention, we can look back and weep from the gratitude that we’re still standing”. Congratulations on staying the course, having faith and most importantly your beautiful baby!

  29. Thanks for sharing your story. I have had 4 miscarriages and am going through my fifth right now. I just feel like giving up because I hate going through this. The physical and emotional pain is sometimes too much to bear. :/

    • Do you know if your miscarriages are related to your hormones dropping off? A couple people in my family had to take progesterone for most of their pregnancy to keep the baby from miscarrying. There was nothing wrong with their babies. Because the hormone levels were dropping off, their bodies didn’t realize their was a baby in the womb.

    • Do you know if your miscarriages are related to your pregnancy hormones dropping off? A couple people in my family had to take progesterone for most of their pregnancy to keep the baby from miscarrying. There was nothing wrong with their babies. Because the hormone levels were dropping off, their bodies didn’t realize their was a baby in the womb.

  30. I really needed to read this today. I just stumbled upon it on Google…but I’m so happy I did. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I am currently going through the mourning process with my 2nd miscarriage, just 3 days ago. My 1st one was only 9 months ago. Thank you so much for writing about this…not many do. I am inspired by your strength and outlook on life, but mostly your truthfulness. Thank you so much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: